We Have This Hope

Hebrews 6:19

Archives for November 2017

Thanksgiving?

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Thanksgiving? How can I give thanks?  The shock had long worn off from that dreadful day in August.  As a family, Larry, Landon and I celebrated most Thanksgivings on vacation somewhere special.  Some years were spent at Disney riding rides, some were in the Bahamas laying on a beach, others were in the mountains skiing and snowmobiling.  We had just moved to our new house the weekend before Thanksgiving 2013.  For the first time, we had family to our new home.  What a blessing that turned out to be.  I will forever treasure that last Thanksgiving with Larry and Landon.

As that first Thanksgiving after the accident approached, the dread consumed me.  We had already booked and planned a trip to Las Vegas for Thanksgiving 2014.  I knew I couldn’t go without them.  It just didn’t seem right.  However, I was so consumed with grief I couldn’t bring myself to cancel the plans, much less make new plans. Instead, I just froze and did nothing.  

There is no sugar coating things; that first Thanksgiving after Larry and Landon died was awful.  All of my family lived in the Dallas/Ft. Worth area.  My sister drove to Houston to pick me up and take me back to DFW to spend that first Thanksgiving with them.  I have a huge family; I am one of five girls and there are many nieces and nephews.   That first Thanksgiving, though, was different.  It was excruciating, overwhelming and downright agonizing.  Painful often comes to mind.  My emotions were completely raw and I was still crying all day, every day.  Thanksgiving at my family’s house was just as it had been every other year, chaotic.  Except this time, there was a hole.  Families and children were everywhere and it was a heartbreaking reminder of the stark reality that my whole family was gone.  Images haunted me.  I could almost see my Larry’s face as he would have been playing pool and watching football with the brothers-in-law.  The faint laughter of my son, Landon, echoed in my head and heart as children ran through the house.  Family kept finding me hiding somewhere crying, trying to get through this laboriously painful day.  I had not at all prepared for this.  

Looking back, I would have done it all different.  However, I learned a lot that first Thanksgiving.  I had to redefine what Thanksgiving really meant, how I would be thankful and celebrate for years to come, and finally how I would give thanks to God.

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.” Philippians 4:6

What? How can I not be anxious and in everything be thankful? At first, this verse made me angry.  Over and over I cried to God, “I will not be thankful for this”.   It took me a long time and significant prayer and Bible study to realize that this was NOT what God was asking me to do.  

God was asking me to be thankful for the time and blessing that I did have and cherish every memory.

“I thank my God every time I remember you.” Philippians 1:3

God was asking me to trust His plan.  I don’t yet know God’s plan for my life, however, I trust.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.” Proverbs 3:5

God was asking me to remember to give Him glory.

“I will praise God’s name in song and glorify him with thanksgiving.” Psalm 69:30

This was tough.  I read David’s Psalm, I read Job’s journey, I read Joseph’s story.  All of these warriors for Christ doubted, questioned and even asked, “Why?”.  Through each story, I learned how to trust that God’s plan was bigger than my journey, my life, my pain and suffering.  Each reminded me that this life was about bringing people to Jesus so that they could live with the same HOPE and know that one day they would spend eternity with their loved ones at the feet of Jesus.  They reminded me to be thankful for HOPE.  

“We have this HOPE as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure.” Hebrews 6:19

Now, I spend Thanksgiving much different than I did that first year.  I start that day with a list of the things for which I am thankful.  

  • More than 20 years with my amazing husband Larry who loved and adored me
  • Nine years as mom to the most amazing little soul I will ever know
  • That I got to pray with my son the previous Easter as he asked Jesus to be his Savior 
  • I will spend eternity in Heaven
  • That God has used my story to help others in their journey

The list goes on and one but you get the picture.  I have to be literal and intentional with this practice.  I write it down and share it with others every year.  I cannot urge you enough to do the same.  It keeps my life, my loss and my eternity in perspective.

Please comment and share what you are thankful for this Thanksgiving holiday.  

If you have lost a loved one, thank God for the time you had with them here on this earth.  

Happy Birthday

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“You have been a refuge for the poor, a refuge for the needy in their distress, a shelter from the storm and a shade from the heat.”  Isaiah 25:4

Today, November 18, 2017, is Landon’s 13th birthday.  That first birthday without him was just three months after the day they died.  As time went by, that day was looming like an ominous storm just off in the distance.  It was dark and gray.  I could hear and see it approaching and my chest felt heavy with its impending arrival. The lightning flashes slowly approached and with each day the rolling thunder got louder and louder.  It threatened to devastate my already broken heart and shake my existence even more.  With complete dread I kept questioning, “How do I celebrate my son’s birth, when his life has been ripped from my grasp?”

All I can say is I’m thankful for friends and family.  They kept asking what I wanted to do.  I didn’t know nor could I answer.  During the first few days after the accident, I had developed a memorial scholarship fund and had requested donations in lieu of flowers.  My husband and son loved  Chick-Fil-A.  It was their go to meal and every Saturday morning breakfast.  My friend contacted our local franchise.  Within minutes we had a celebration location and to my surprise, a portion of the profits that evening would be donated to Landon’s scholarship fund.

How did I survive that first birthday celebration?

First, I had to come to the realization that I cherished those 9 precious years more than anything I had ever experienced.  I would rather have had those 9 years and lost Landon than to have never had them at all.  I had to also remember to thank God regularly for those 9 years and for allowing me to be so blessed as Landon’s mom.  I began to understand that a mom’s intense pain after loss of a child was a direct reflection of a mom’s intense love.  I wanted to own that love and therefore I had to own the pain.  I didn’t quite know how to do that, and still don’t have it all figured out, but that will come.  

“This is the day which the Lord has made; let us rejoice today and be glad in it.”  Psalms 118:25

Second, I had to completely relinquish control and let someone else handle everything.  As a mom, my heart was completely consumed.  I couldn’t think clearly, much less organize or plan.  My best friend, Leslie, has great discernment and a heart for me and my pain.  She understood that it was all too painful and yet I needed to know that my son was being honored.  I know that having someone I trusted take control allowed me to sit back and focus on how to emotionally survive the day while honoring my precious son was key to the success of that first birthday.  

Finally, I had no expectation of myself or of anyone else.  This seems almost silly, but was key.  I had to walk into that day with absolutely no expectations.  I could not place the weight of this day on expectations of what others may or may not do. I had to put my trust in God to help me honor my son, celebrate and remember those 9 precious years and give God the glory no matter what.  

Well the evening was a huge success.  I couldn’t tell you what we raised for the scholarship fund and it doesn’t matter.  That night, hundreds of family and friends stopped by to honor Landon and share in one of his favorite meals.  We all laughed together (this was the first time I laughed since the accident), cried together, told stories and held each other close that night.  I remember so many of his friends and their families stopping by and sharing their stories of how they celebrated Landon’s birthday.  Our school district, Alvin ISD, and the community of Manvel, Pearland and Alvin came to support in a way I could never have imagined.  It truly was a celebration of Landon’s birth and his life.  

Now, I celebrate very differently.  Each year I still eat Chick-Fil-A.  However, there are no big gatherings or parties.  I encourage people all over the community, state, nation and world to join me in eating Chick-Fil-A and share their pictures on social media.  It’s this mom’s greatest joy to remember her precious son and to know that others remember him too.  How you choose to celebrate, remember or honor is up to you.  Don’t let others dictate that for you. You and your loved ones have to decide what works for you.  However you do it, just make sure to stop, be still, remember and give honor.  Although painful, there is great healing in these moments.  

For loved ones who live with someone who has lost a child, navigating this day can be difficult.  Here are some things that may help.  

  • Acknowledge the day.  Someone once told me that they thought about me on Landon’s birthday but didn’t want to say anything because they were afraid to make me sad.  This thoughtful person just had no idea.  Those of us who have lost loved ones, especially children, think of them hundreds of times a day.  We are acutely aware the day is approaching/here.  Although it feels uncomfortable, acknowledging the birthday will go a long way to show your loved one empathy.  If you just don’t know what to say, a card is a perfect way to acknowledge the day.  
  • Don’t plan this day for your loved one.  Instead ask them what they want to do?  My sister, who loves me dearly wanted to plan a big celebration for Landon’s birthday that second year.  I just couldn’t do it.  I’m glad she asked, I was able to say, “No, but I appreciate the offer”.  Instead, I had a quite dinner with a friend at one of Landon’s favorite places.  
  • Be patient and give a lot of grace.  For me, this day is filled with a roller coaster of emotions and on top of that every emotion is magnified.  Remember, nothing that happens this day is about you.  It’s really about a lot of grief and surviving one of the toughest days of the year.  

 

The Day That Changed My Life

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It was August 15, 2014, the Friday before school started.  I was currently serving as the principal of Manvel High School in Alvin ISD, a small school district just south of Houston.  I was working to prepare for teachers to return to school that next Monday.  My husband and son Larry had decided to take a “boys trip” to see Grandma.  I had talked to them earlier that day.  They asked me if I wanted to go and I declined, believing I had too much work to prepare for the start of school.  Looking back I distinctly  remember thinking, “my whole life is in that plane”.  I had that thought often, as they loved to fly and this was regular practice.  About 4 pm that day, I received a call that would forever change my life.  My mother-in-law was on the other end,  “Charlotte, the plane has gone down”!

What happened next, I vaguely remember.  All of the sudden there was this noise; I couldn’t identify it at first.  It was loud and overwhelming and I couldn’t breathe.  It took a while before I recognized that awful shrill as my own cries.  I fell to the floor as staff members ran trying to figure out what was happening.  It wasn’t long before I lay surrounded by dear friends; the kind of friends you call family.  I kept asking questions.  I refused to believe it was possible.  I started calling airports, other pilots, anyone that could verify that it just wasn’t true.

Not long after, I was loaded into a car and taken to my home.  More and more people arrived.  My phone was quickly taken away.  Helicopters begin to circle the house and the news crews started swarming the yard.  Not long after, I would receive a call from my 4 sisters and mom.  I would sit surrounded by friends, with my family on speaker phone and listen as my dear friend Shawn would confirm my worst nightmare.

I don’t know how I survived those first two weeks.  The weight on my chest was unbearable at times; I couldn’t breathe.  There was a physical reaction to grief that was like nothing I had ever experienced.  My skin peeled off, every muscle in my body ached and my skin was sensitive to touch.  I couldn’t think.  I couldn’t sleep.  I couldn’t eat.  I couldn’t talk.  I only knew how to cry….

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