Happy Birthday

“You have been a refuge for the poor, a refuge for the needy in their distress, a shelter from the storm and a shade from the heat.”  Isaiah 25:4

Today, November 18, 2017, is Landon’s 13th birthday.  That first birthday without him was just three months after the day they died.  As time went by, that day was looming like an ominous storm just off in the distance.  It was dark and gray.  I could hear and see it approaching and my chest felt heavy with its impending arrival. The lightning flashes slowly approached and with each day the rolling thunder got louder and louder.  It threatened to devastate my already broken heart and shake my existence even more.  With complete dread I kept questioning, “How do I celebrate my son’s birth, when his life has been ripped from my grasp?”

All I can say is I’m thankful for friends and family.  They kept asking what I wanted to do.  I didn’t know nor could I answer.  During the first few days after the accident, I had developed a memorial scholarship fund and had requested donations in lieu of flowers.  My husband and son loved  Chick-Fil-A.  It was their go to meal and every Saturday morning breakfast.  My friend contacted our local franchise.  Within minutes we had a celebration location and to my surprise, a portion of the profits that evening would be donated to Landon’s scholarship fund.

How did I survive that first birthday celebration?

First, I had to come to the realization that I cherished those 9 precious years more than anything I had ever experienced.  I would rather have had those 9 years and lost Landon than to have never had them at all.  I had to also remember to thank God regularly for those 9 years and for allowing me to be so blessed as Landon’s mom.  I began to understand that a mom’s intense pain after loss of a child was a direct reflection of a mom’s intense love.  I wanted to own that love and therefore I had to own the pain.  I didn’t quite know how to do that, and still don’t have it all figured out, but that will come.  

“This is the day which the Lord has made; let us rejoice today and be glad in it.”  Psalms 118:25

Second, I had to completely relinquish control and let someone else handle everything.  As a mom, my heart was completely consumed.  I couldn’t think clearly, much less organize or plan.  My best friend, Leslie, has great discernment and a heart for me and my pain.  She understood that it was all too painful and yet I needed to know that my son was being honored.  I know that having someone I trusted take control allowed me to sit back and focus on how to emotionally survive the day while honoring my precious son was key to the success of that first birthday.  

Finally, I had no expectation of myself or of anyone else.  This seems almost silly, but was key.  I had to walk into that day with absolutely no expectations.  I could not place the weight of this day on expectations of what others may or may not do. I had to put my trust in God to help me honor my son, celebrate and remember those 9 precious years and give God the glory no matter what.  

Well the evening was a huge success.  I couldn’t tell you what we raised for the scholarship fund and it doesn’t matter.  That night, hundreds of family and friends stopped by to honor Landon and share in one of his favorite meals.  We all laughed together (this was the first time I laughed since the accident), cried together, told stories and held each other close that night.  I remember so many of his friends and their families stopping by and sharing their stories of how they celebrated Landon’s birthday.  Our school district, Alvin ISD, and the community of Manvel, Pearland and Alvin came to support in a way I could never have imagined.  It truly was a celebration of Landon’s birth and his life.  

Now, I celebrate very differently.  Each year I still eat Chick-Fil-A.  However, there are no big gatherings or parties.  I encourage people all over the community, state, nation and world to join me in eating Chick-Fil-A and share their pictures on social media.  It’s this mom’s greatest joy to remember her precious son and to know that others remember him too.  How you choose to celebrate, remember or honor is up to you.  Don’t let others dictate that for you. You and your loved ones have to decide what works for you.  However you do it, just make sure to stop, be still, remember and give honor.  Although painful, there is great healing in these moments.  

For loved ones who live with someone who has lost a child, navigating this day can be difficult.  Here are some things that may help.  

• Acknowledge the day.  Someone once told me that they thought about me on Landon’s birthday but didn’t want to say anything because they were afraid to make me sad.  This thoughtful person just had no idea.  Those of us who have lost loved ones, especially children, think of them hundreds of times a day.  We are acutely aware the day is approaching/here.  Although it feels uncomfortable, acknowledging the birthday will go a long way to show your loved one empathy.  If you just don’t know what to say, a card is a perfect way to acknowledge the day.  
• Don’t plan this day for your loved one.  Instead ask them what they want to do?  My sister, who loves me dearly wanted to plan a big celebration for Landon’s birthday that second year.  I just couldn’t do it.  I’m glad she asked, I was able to say, “No, but I appreciate the offer”.  Instead, I had a quite dinner with a friend at one of Landon’s favorite places.  
• Be patient and give a lot of grace.  For me, this day is filled with a roller coaster of emotions and on top of that every emotion is magnified.  Remember, nothing that happens this day is about you.  It’s really about a lot of grief and surviving one of the toughest days of the year.  

 

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