Thanksgiving?

Thanksgiving? How can I give thanks?  The shock had long worn off from that dreadful day in August.  As a family, Larry, Landon and I celebrated most Thanksgivings on vacation somewhere special.  Some years were spent at Disney riding rides, some were in the Bahamas laying on a beach, others were in the mountains skiing and snowmobiling.  We had just moved to our new house the weekend before Thanksgiving 2013.  For the first time, we had family to our new home.  What a blessing that turned out to be.  I will forever treasure that last Thanksgiving with Larry and Landon.

As that first Thanksgiving after the accident approached, the dread consumed me.  We had already booked and planned a trip to Las Vegas for Thanksgiving 2014.  I knew I couldn’t go without them.  It just didn’t seem right.  However, I was so consumed with grief I couldn’t bring myself to cancel the plans, much less make new plans. Instead, I just froze and did nothing.  

There is no sugar coating things; that first Thanksgiving after Larry and Landon died was awful.  All of my family lived in the Dallas/Ft. Worth area.  My sister drove to Houston to pick me up and take me back to DFW to spend that first Thanksgiving with them.  I have a huge family; I am one of five girls and there are many nieces and nephews.   That first Thanksgiving, though, was different.  It was excruciating, overwhelming and downright agonizing.  Painful often comes to mind.  My emotions were completely raw and I was still crying all day, every day.  Thanksgiving at my family’s house was just as it had been every other year, chaotic.  Except this time, there was a hole.  Families and children were everywhere and it was a heartbreaking reminder of the stark reality that my whole family was gone.  Images haunted me.  I could almost see my Larry’s face as he would have been playing pool and watching football with the brothers-in-law.  The faint laughter of my son, Landon, echoed in my head and heart as children ran through the house.  Family kept finding me hiding somewhere crying, trying to get through this laboriously painful day.  I had not at all prepared for this.  

Looking back, I would have done it all different.  However, I learned a lot that first Thanksgiving.  I had to redefine what Thanksgiving really meant, how I would be thankful and celebrate for years to come, and finally how I would give thanks to God.

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.” Philippians 4:6

What? How can I not be anxious and in everything be thankful? At first, this verse made me angry.  Over and over I cried to God, “I will not be thankful for this”.   It took me a long time and significant prayer and Bible study to realize that this was NOT what God was asking me to do.  

God was asking me to be thankful for the time and blessing that I did have and cherish every memory.

“I thank my God every time I remember you.” Philippians 1:3

God was asking me to trust His plan.  I don’t yet know God’s plan for my life, however, I trust.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.” Proverbs 3:5

God was asking me to remember to give Him glory.

“I will praise God’s name in song and glorify him with thanksgiving.” Psalm 69:30

This was tough.  I read David’s Psalm, I read Job’s journey, I read Joseph’s story.  All of these warriors for Christ doubted, questioned and even asked, “Why?”.  Through each story, I learned how to trust that God’s plan was bigger than my journey, my life, my pain and suffering.  Each reminded me that this life was about bringing people to Jesus so that they could live with the same HOPE and know that one day they would spend eternity with their loved ones at the feet of Jesus.  They reminded me to be thankful for HOPE.  

“We have this HOPE as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure.” Hebrews 6:19

Now, I spend Thanksgiving much different than I did that first year.  I start that day with a list of the things for which I am thankful.  

• More than 20 years with my amazing husband Larry who loved and adored me
• Nine years as mom to the most amazing little soul I will ever know
• That I got to pray with my son the previous Easter as he asked Jesus to be his Savior 
• I will spend eternity in Heaven
• That God has used my story to help others in their journey

The list goes on and one but you get the picture.  I have to be literal and intentional with this practice.  I write it down and share it with others every year.  I cannot urge you enough to do the same.  It keeps my life, my loss and my eternity in perspective.

Please comment and share what you are thankful for this Thanksgiving holiday.  

If you have lost a loved one, thank God for the time you had with them here on this earth.  

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