Surviving Christmas

 

The tough thing about loss is the constant reminder of what you once had.  Christmas only magnifies it all.  As I look back at my journal over the years, the entries around the holidays are tear-stained pages riddled with pain.  

Dec 28, 2014 – (The first Christmas after my husband and son died.) Christmas was nearly unbearable.  How do you celebrate the Christmas holidays when you’ve lost your best friend and only child?  I’m trying so hard to stay focused on Christ.  I know Christ is enough, but I’m drowning.  They are supposed to be here! Larry and I are supposed to grow old together watching our Landon grow his own family.  Now what?

December 14, 2015 – Tomorrow marks two weeks until Christmas.  It feels like I can hardly breathe. I can’t bear the thought of Christmas without the two best gifts I’ve ever received.  Holidays symbolize love, family, togetherness, traditions and memories.  This Christmas is an acute reminder of what I no longer have.  It feels like a slap in the face.  It’s as if Christmas is saying, “You lost your husband and child, you have no family, there are no traditions, you are alone.” How do I find the strength to put all of those negative thoughts aside?  How do I survive this time of year?  

December 18, 2016 – This year, I will try to do Christmas.  In a small way.  It has to be different.  I can’t bear the same traditions without Larry and Landon.  I’m going with a friend to Alabama and then to Ft. Worth to see family.  I’m not sure if I want to go; not sure I want to spend the holidays with anyone.   If I do go, no one will understand my pain, my loss, my grief, the struggle, much less the overwhelming anxiety. Does this ever get easier?  Can I ever again enjoy the holidays? 

December 10th, 2017 – I don’t know if I have the answers to any of these questions.  For my family, Christmas has always been a celebration of God’s ultimate sacrifice and Christ’s birth.  However, like most of you, it was also about creating family memories and spoiling my son.  Like many of you, our Christmas was grounded in traditions, some from our own childhoods, some new that we created as a family.  

As that first Christmas approached, I didn’t know what to do, how to do it, who to spend it with and how to continue to celebrate.  That first Christmas came so quickly after the accident.  I had just survived my son’s first birthday and the first Thanksgiving after loss.  I tried Christmas shopping one day.  After breaking down into hysterical sobs and running out of the store, I knew I had a challenging month ahead.  I knew it was important for my family to spend some time with me and to know I was “ok”.  Yet, I knew I couldn’t endure the traditional Christmas celebration.  That year I felt so alone, yet I was surrounded by people.  Not a lot has changed in that regard.  It was as if I was in the middle of the ocean in the apex of the storm.  Just as I was able to get my head above water, another wave would crash pushing me under.  I was fighting just to breathe and I was losing. I didn’t know how to survive.  

That year I spent a few days with family and then I simply ran away.  I called some dear friends who had just bought a retirement condo in Panama City, Panama.  They invited me down and promised no Christmas tree, no celebration and no gifts.  So I packed a bag and left.  Whether it’s your first holiday/celebration or your tenth, sometimes you just need to run away.  My situation was different in that I had no one else I had to be responsible for.  My only other concern was for my two step-daughters who would be spending their 1st Christmas without their brother and dad.  However, they were both married.  I knew they would be in good hands with their mom and husbands.  Not everyone has the option to run away.  

This is my 4th Christmas without Larry and Landon.  Christmas is still unbearable, but I get through.  I still can’t go Christmas shopping; amazon has become my greatest holiday asset.  I still really struggle with Christmas music, Christmas decorations, Christmas parties, Christmas gift exchanges.  I say “no” when I can, however, the rest of the world loves all this, so I endure if for the moment and then go hide and cry.  

Regardless of where you are in your journey, you need to think ahead, plan and be prepared for WHEN the waves of grief come crashing down.  

First, find a way to honor those you have lost.  Ignoring it isn’t an option.  You may pretend, but everyone who has ever lost a child, spouse or loved ones knows that their memory consumes your thoughts.  Honoring your loved ones can take on many different forms.  I had special Christmas ornaments made with their picture; I gave them to everyone.  I also had quilts made for my two step-daughters.  

Second, give yourself permission to get away and cry.  Every year I remind my family how difficult it is.  They know that I will need to step away and cry.  They also know my preference is to be alone when I cry.  Although difficult, tell others ahead of time what you will and will not need.  Explain what you want to do or not do.  I assure you that your family may be struggling as well.  Having conversations ahead of time will relieve anxiety and give clarity regarding expectations.  

Third, think about traditions.  You may decide to keep old ones or start new ones.  For me, I had to let go of some old traditions as I simply didn’t want to do them without Larry and Landon.   We have started some new ones.  Different is still how I survive these difficult times.  For me this is extremely personal.  

Finally, focus on the true meaning of Christmas.  My HOPE is grounded in faith.  I know that God sent His Son, Jesus, to this earth for me, for you, for any who will accept.

“For unto us a child is born, to us a Son is given.”  Isaiah 9:6

There are times I have to remind myself that God knows the loss of a child.  God sent his only Son to one day be crucified for my sin that I may have eternal life.

“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life.  For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through Him might be saved.” John 3:16-17

“Jesus said to her, ‘I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; and whoever lives by believing in me will never die. Do you believe this?’”  John 11:25-26

I read this every year. I know it in my head yet my heart is broken and needs to be reminded.  There are times when I have to remind myself of this daily. We have to remember that our brains are logical and our hearts our emotional. They do not speak the same language.  This is why so many people of faith struggle after loss.  My head knows that I will see Larry and Landon again in eternity and for all eternity.  My heart misses them more than words can explain.  Sometimes the pain is so overwhelming it’s even hard to pray.  But I know God can handle my brokenness if I just lay it at his feet.  In those moments when I can’t even mutter a prayer over the tears, I simply cry, “Jesus, Jesus, Jesus” over and over again.  Without fail, every single time, God provides a peace that I cannot explain.  I simply know He is there.  

“And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”   Philippians 4:7

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