A friend of mine recently lost her husband. She asked me how I got through it and how to survive. She asked something that I often thought, “This is painful, how do I get through grief more quickly so I’m not in such awful pain?” I had this thought so often. The pain of losing my husband and son was so intense I couldn’t breathe. Grief does crazy things to us. I had intense pain all over my body so badly I didn’t want to be touched, I had anxiety attacks one after the other, I couldn’t sleep for more than an hour at a time and then I slept all the time, I started grinding my teeth so badly my ears got infected and swelled shut, the skin all over my body peeled off, I quit talking, I hyperventilated often, I cried uncontrollably, I wanted to die. I so badly wanted to move through grief and get to the other side. Unfortunately, grief takes time and I’m not sure there is another side. Because we loved deeply, we will forever grieve. However we do heal. Healing is a long journey. What I did learn are ways to facilitate the healing.
Believe – First and foremost, you have to believe that you are a child of God’s and that he understands and loves all of your dysfunctional mess. You also have to believe in the healing and in HOPE. I knew without a doubt I was a child of the king. I knew my eternity was sealed. What I didn’t know is if I could really be healed. I assumed I would always be as miserable and heartbroken as long as I lived on this earth. However, shortly after losing my loved ones I received a book from a friend, Dori Phillips, she lost her husband and several of her children in a traffic accident. She wrote a book talking about believing in healing. She shared her journey and I began to believe that I too could be healed. When I began to believe in healing I began to feel the weight of grief being lifted.
Belongings – About three months after the accident, I was driving through downtown Houston on my way to a football game. On my route, there were numerous homeless individuals living on the streets. Many were shivering and cold. I remember thinking about the closet full of both Larry and Landon’s clothes. I thought to myself that if something happened to me, I would want someone who needed my things to have them. It was at that moment, I knew I had to sort through their personal belongings. This was a lot easier said than done. It was gut wrenching, painful work. I wept over each garment, toy, and personal item. I sniffed anything I could find desperately searching for just a scent of them. Back and forth, I changed my mind thousands of times about what I would donate and what I would keep. However, in the end, that task was incredibly healing. It’s something that is necessary and helps move you to and through a place you are reluctant to go. However and whenever, you decide to go through belongings, get support. There were many times I had to stop, walk away, shut the door, fall apart, and get support before I could re-engage in the process. While going through belongings, I found the things that mattered most, and found ways beautiful to create lifelong heirlooms out of those belongings. It’s a tough but necessary part of the journey. As harsh as it sounds, it helps us to internalize the finality.
Beginnings – It’s absolutely necessary to start new traditions, to begin to do things differently and to figure out who you are outside of your loved one. About 3 months after the accident, I was bombarded with my sons birthday, a week later – Thanksgiving, and three weeks after that – Christmas. I knew these milestones would be tough but what I didn’t expect was the tsunami of feelings that would accompany the loss of traditions. Assuming I could still engage in some of those traditions was probably nieve. I thought it would bring me some sort of comfort, but instead intensified the pain. After 5 years, I’m beginning to find ways to navigate though special days and holidays. I still celebrate Landon’s birthday. Its generally enjoying doing something that I knew he would have loved, like chocolate fondue. Thanksgiving is now an annual trip somewhere beautiful. Christmas, well to be honest, I still haven’t figured this one out. I haven’t opened the Christmas decorations since they have been gone. One year I ran away to Panama City, Panama, I have celebrated with sisters a few times, but mostly still trying to find what’s comfortable for me. This year I may begin a new tradition of scuba diving on Christmas. I don’t think it matters what you do or who you do it with as long as you find a way to find joy and celebrate memories.
Breathe – Finally, it’s important to stop often, breathe, and reflect on the journey. Taking time to read over old journals reminds me of how amazingly far I have come. It’s sometimes so hard to see the progress, especially when I’m weighted down in the sorrow of missing them. It’s so important to find time alone occasionally to do this. My new favorite way to do this is scuba diving. It’s perfectly peaceful and a beautiful connection to God where I can do nothing but breathe, praise, and pray. Find your place to just stop and breathe. It doesn’t have to be far away or for long periods of time. Before diving, it was in my closet or in the shower. Just find a place alone to breathe.
This is what the Sovereign Lord says: Look! I am going to put breath into you and make you live again! – Ezekiel 37:5
Be still, (just breathe) and know that I am God. – Psalms 46:10
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. – Jeremiah 29:11
We have this HOPE that is an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. – Hebrews 6:19
