Holidays are just unexplainably and unimaginably difficult for survivors of child loss. People often think of the big holidays like Christmas as being the most difficult. The truth is that they are all difficult and depending on your traditions, rituals and experiences, something like Halloween can be equally as traumatic. For me, they are all big. However, I would say that the time between Halloween – New Years (which also includes my son’s birthday) are particularly difficult for me. The hard truth is that they will always be difficult.
What makes the holidays more difficult than any other day? Holidays are about family and children. These celebrations are acute painful reminders of loss. As much as they would like, family and friends just can’t understand the depth of that pain. There is also the painful truth that noone wants to talk about our children who have gone on to live in heaven. I love my child and want to talk about him as much as any other mother. However, in today’s society it’s just plain taboo. People say the craziest things when I mention my son. I’ve heard things like, “I didn’t want to mention Landon because I didn’t want to remind you or make you sad.” or “Let’s talk about something happy.” “You have to find a way to move on.” Surviving the holidays is difficult enough without being made to feel like you can’t talk about the one thing you really need and want to talk about.
So how do we survive the holiday season? This will be my fifth holiday season after losing my husband and son. Here are a few things that have helped me navigate through.
- Find time to honor your loved one. It will take someone really special to be able to do this with you. It’s often too much for many friends and family members. It’s not that people don’t care, it’s that they don’t know what to do and lack the coping skills to manage their own feelings about grief much less support someone else. How you honor your child or loved one will be unique and special and likely anchored in the depths of sweet memories. If you have immediate family (spouse and other children) they may want to participate in a new tradition. Do what works for you.
- Skip the holidays if you need. I am single and have no living children so I can and need to do this. Those big family gatherings that I have always been tradition now cause me a great deal of pain and anxiety. It seems I have a constant lump in my throat all while fighting back the tears. I have the freedom to skip the holidays so I do. This year I will be skipping the holidays and diving.
- Give yourself permission to actively grieve and fall apart. Because life does go on, it is easy to constantly pushing our grief down denying an emotional response. If you don’t allow yourself to feel, when you least expect it, it will come out of nowhere and overwhelm you like a tsunami.
- Allow others to help if it’s on your terms. These are tough days and for those people who are brave enough to reach out, accept the offer. As much as I don’t want to engage in huge extended family Thanksgiving and Christmas rituals, I don’t want to be alone either. My first Christmas after loss some dear friends invited me to their condo on the beach in Panama City, Panama. I told them no gifts, no decorations, no Christmas tree. They happily obliged and it was a perfect getaway.
- Find time to just laugh and breath. This sounds so simple but its harder than it sounds. It’s hard to find people to laugh with during the holidays. It’s often all so serious, spiritual and formal. So I take it upon myself to plan FUN. I try to have an annual girls happy hour or girls night. We do nothing but laugh. Then I find time alone and just breathe. It’s important to make myself slow down, relax and for me pray and meditate.
- Remember Jesus – This is truly the most important thing you can do. Because of Jesus, I have eternal life and so do my loved ones. They have just gone on before me. Remembering this gives me peace and HOPE. If you don’t know this truth for yourself, reach out. Without Jesus, I could never travel this journey. He is my HOPE. He gives me peace!
For those of you who are family and friends of someone who has experienced great loss here are a few helpful hints.
- This is not about you. No matter what your loved one does or doesn’t do, it’s never about you. If they decide to skip the holidays, be gracious as it’s not about you.
- Offer social opportunities. Offer opportunities to get together that are different than the traditional holiday experience. For example, invite a loved one to a movie, go watch a sporting event, go out for dinner and drinks. However, if they decline, keep asking and remember, IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU.
- You can’t fix this. You can only offer love, support and understanding. Be patient, offer lots of Grace, and pray.
My prayer is that we all find a HOPE and PEACE this holiday season as we remember and celebrate our loved ones.
