Many of us have been deeply hurt in and through relationships. Whether that pain stems from a broken marriage filled with years of turmoil, a betrayal of sacred vows, death of a loved one, or just a lack of connection, the pain is real and deeply seeded. We often decide (consciously or subconsciously) to protect our hearts from future pain. Although, I personally don’t like to admit it, this stance is rooted in fear. It’s fear of having our hearts, hopes and dreams shattered again. As a result, we choose to keep relationships at safe distances.
How do we keep relationships at a safe distance? We simply don’t trust. We refuse to share part of our soul or our story. We assume no one can ever understand the depths or our pain and so we don’t share. We say things like, “I’m not interested in a relationship.”, “Lets just be friends.” “I’m never getting married again.”, “I no longer believe in true love.” “I’ve had my one true love so it’s hopeless.” “I’m not meant to be loved.”, “I am focused on other things”, “This is not the time”. I am completely guilty here. I’ve probably said all or almost all of these. My heart was broken into a million pieces when my soulmate died. He was not just my husband; He was my my companion, my best friend, my lover, the father of my child, and my future. My hopes and dreams were all wrapped up in that relationship. How could I possibly ever find anything that beautiful again? I certainly don’t know the answer. What I do know is that I have refused to trust others and have closely protected my heart from the possibility of being hurt.
I remember shortly after Larry and Landon died that I had become so scared of being hurt that I wouldn’t even let anyone even touch me. I wouldn’t let anyone hug me, sit close enough to touch me, or hold my hand. I purposely backed away if someone reached out to even lay a hand on me. This went on for a good three months. Then I was in town for Thanksgiving and my nephew, who was also Landon’s best friend, asked me if he could sleep with me one night. That night I curled up next to him and just wept while he slept. I realized how much I need human connection. I’ve since moved past the ability to allow individuals to be physically close, but I honestly still keep everyone at an emotionally safe distance.
Inevitably all of this protection often leads to loneliness. Being alone in itself is not bad, however, loneliness is a lack of connection or belonging to a significant other. Changing this means braving vulnerability, criticism, hurt, and a whole lot of uncertainty. To avoid this we often create theories, beliefs, and our own flawed truths about relationships in general. There is a distinct contradiction between the need to feel connected which requires vulnerability and fear and the need to protect ourselves from pain.
Don’t misunderstand my thoughts about belonging. I believe wholeheartedly that before we can belong to another, we have to truly belong to ourselves. This is especially true for those of us who are alone again after a long relationship. We must be willing to stand alone, live alone, and brave life alone. Standing alone, gives us a courage we never knew existed. It solidifies out faith in ourselves and in our Creator. We truly begin to understand who we are, we identify our beliefs, develop goals and dreams, and decide what it is that is truly significant and important to us. Standing confidently alone and loving ourselves should be a precursor to opening up and loving others and allowing others to love us.
Regarding love and trust Maya Angelou said, “The price is high. The reward is great”. Such wisdom in those words. To be honest, I’m scared to pay that price, even though I know the reward is a beautiful connection to a soul who gets you, who loves you unselfishly, who you get to share life’s most intimate joyous moments with. That is quite a reward. God’s word says in Genesis 2:18, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make him a helper suitable for him”.
How then do we find the courage to connect with others and open ourselves up to possibilities? It’s probably easier said than done. I think first we have to recognize our current reality. We have to identify loneliness and decide if we are truly ready to make a connection to someone. After that its slow baby steps, trust, and lots of prayer. My prayer for you is that you allow God to guide you on this journey. If you find that soul mate, cherish every second, love like there is no tomorrow, remember what’s truly important, and take the adventure of a lifetime together.
by 
Wow! So well written and such true words. Thank you for sharing.