I was talking to a friend just this week who had lost her husband to some pretty unimaginable circumstances. After hanging up the phone I thought, “Why do the most awful things happen to really good people?”
I had laid out this imaginary line in the sand. It really existed only in my mind. I knew that bad things happen all around the world. I knew that bad things could possibly happen in my own extended family. I certainly didn’t think they could happen in my personal little circle. After all, I served God, I prayed regularly, my family was faithful, and we did all of the right things. That imaginary line, though I never spoke it out loud, went something like this. “God, I will continue to serve you, I will continue to praise you, I will continue to love you, I will continue to do good. I do all of this and God, you never allow anything bad to happen to my family, especially Larry and Landon.” It was just how I expected things to work and then one day GOD CROSSED THAT LINE.
I was so angry. How could God allow these awful things to happen. God crossed the line when he took my best friend, husband and companion of 20 years and left me to do life alone. I know I don’t need someone to do life with, but I was in love and really enjoyed doing life with a best friend. God crossed the line when he took the best gift he ever gave me, motherhood. He took my unborn child when I was 16 weeks pregnant. He then took my only son and left me feeling like an empty shell. God crossed the line when he took three seniors from the graduating class when I was high school principal. When I was still dealing with my own loss, I was left to pick up the pieces for 3000 students.
So, why do awful things happen to really good people? I really don’t know. My grief has left me with so many questions and has challenged my faith in so many ways. Losing Larry and Landon rocked my faith to its core. I questioned everything about God‘s power, His love, and His Sovereignty. I couldn’t fathom how all three of those things could exist and I could still be suffering such loss. Six years later, I don’t know that I have it figured out but these things I do know.
First, it’s personal. Faith is personal. My survival is all about a personal and very intimate relationship with my Heavenly Father. It’s as personal as being a wife and a mom was. It takes daily time, effort, and commitment. My time, effort and commitment does not mean I understand or even admit to agreeing with God and his choices. However it has deepened my faith in a way that I really can’t even explain. It’s led me to intimately know my Heavenly Father and His love for me. It’s led me to trust even when I don’t understand. It allows me to know that my God is big enough and strong enough to handle all of my doubts, my anger, my questions and yet there is still no condemnation. It allows me to be comforted by Him in my weakest darkest moments.
Second, it’s all about perspective. I have to keep both a heavenly and eternal perspective. If I stay focused on my pain and trials of this life, it’s easy to feel sorry for myself and get stuck. In contrast, when I have a heavenly eternal perspective I can be thankful for my 9 1/2 years with Landon and my 22 years with Larry. When I stay heavenly and eternally focused, I am reminded that this life is just a vapor in time. When I stay heavenly and eternally focused, I realize that I will meet them again at the feet of my Heavenly Father. When I am heavenly and eternally focused, I realize that God will wipe away all my tears and take away all my pain.
Third, this life is not about me. This thought is heavily intertwined with the first two. But through my grief I heard God’s constant whisper that this life is not about me. I had to dig deep to discover and remind myself why God created people and why he created me. It was/is all about a relationship with Him and eternity with Him. And sometimes God crosses that line and awful things happen to really good people like me so that other people can come to know Him.
My prayer is that my experiences will resonate with those who grieve and give them HOPE. My prayer is that through each and every interaction I have, that people feel loved. I truly want to be the hands, feet and voice of Jesus. My prayer is that through each and every blog I write, people may come to know my Heavenly Father and begin to heal.
Is your faith personal? Are you heavenly and eternally focused? Are you using every trial for good for others?
