Archives for September 2020

After losing someone you love, you can’t help but life into new perspective. You realize what’s really important and what has no value. You start living differently. I refer to it as a simple but balanced life. I realize looking back that the world was spinning so fast that at times life was just passing us by. And my family were some of the people who savored life. We went on vacations, spent every weekend on our boat in the bay, and spent family time together every day. Yet I look back and we were still living this fast paced do more, achieve more, earn more, have more lifestyle. 

What does living a simple balanced life mean? Well let me paint you a picture. Last February I decided I would quit my job before I was actually able to draw retirement benefits. I no longer just wanted to be a victim of this crazy life. I sold my house and everything in it but a few possessions which are in a box at my sisters house along with a bed and a few clothes. I rented a long-term apartment here in Cozumel. It truly is a simple life. There’s no air-conditioning in the living room. I have yet to turn on the television. The walls are tattered and scratched. By USA standards it may be considered impoverished. Yet each day I spend time doing things that truly bring me joy. I spend time in nature where I feel closer to God and can hear His voice. I spend each morning in prayer, meditation, reading and getting centered. Every day I get into the ocean and whether I dive, swim, or snorkel, I just bathe in the beautiful salty sea. It truly heals me both on the inside and outside. Without fail, every night I watch as the sun sets in the Mayan Riviera. Each sunset reminds me that my day was exactly what God wanted it to be and he orchestrated every moment down to the colors of the sky each night. It also reminds me that I get to start new tomorrow and I again get to choose to take it all in again and relish and it’s beauty. 

Although it’s not always been an easy adjustment. It’s been a worthy adjustment. I look forward to the next six months of this simple life. I hope to continue to cherish each day connecting with God and nature. I hope to meet some lasting friends that I can spend the evenings talking about the glorious days. 

Living your simple life does not mean you have to sell all your possessions and go to Cozumel, but why not. What it does mean is that you have to take inventory of how you spend your day, your time, your money, your energy. What’s really important to you? 

A great friend of mine, Lisa Butler, shares this analogy of life in terms of rocks. For me, big rocks in life are things like God, faith, family, kids, health. Little rocks are social media, TV, extra curricular activities. Each day we only have one bucket to fill with our rocks. If we fill our day with all the little rocks first, there is no room for the big rocks. However when we prioritize and fill each day’s bucket with our big rocks and the things that really matter then we still have room for the little rocks too. In doing this we relieve stress and live more balanced.

It’s true that Covid has certainly given a lot of people an opportunity to reflect and put life in balance.  But, why does it take a world pandemic to make us prioritize.  Here are a few suggestions to help you reflect? 

1. Make a list of the top 3-5 most important things in your life.  (your big rocks)
2. Make a tough list of 3-5 things you do that suck the time out of your day but bring no true lasting value. (your little rocks)
3. Reflect on just one calendar week of your life.  If this seems hard, then keep a detailed calendar next week and see where you spend your time, including your work time. 
4. Take a close look at your spending.  Where you spend your money certainly speaks volumes about your priorities. 
5. Now compare.  Are you spending your resources (time, money, energy) on your big rocks?  If not, what are you going to do about it? 

The reality is that there are no guarantees for tomorrow.  In the blink of an eye, someone you love can be gone.  Does the time, attention, and effort your spending with that person say that they are a priority? If you never see a loved one again, have your words and resources proven that they matter?  Have you filled your bucket today with your big rocks or little rocks? Are you living a simple balanced life focused on what is really important?

The thing about grief is you can’t run from it. It will eventually catch you. A few days ago, I was asked how you get past it all. I used to search for how to move through it more quickly. The ugly truth is you can’t run from it, you can’t just get past it, you can’t move through it more quickly; you just have to take the journey one day at a time and sit with the grief.

Grief is the deep sorrow caused by a loved one’s death. Grieving is the process of learning to live with that deep pain and loss. The more you loved, the deeper the suffering. Throughout my healing these past 6 years I’ve learned some things. This insight, although mostly based on experience, has also come from my years of training as a psychologist and research from so many who are grieving.

• There is no wrong or right way to grieve as long as you aren’t hurting yourself or others. Make no mistake, your emotions will often get the better of you and you will make a lot of mistakes that sometimes hurt others. Just remember to keep communicating. I found myself apologizing a lot those first few years. Those who loved me were gracious and forgiving and always gave me space to grieve how I needed.
• It’s a lonely road, but you don’t have to travel it alone. It’s true that no one can help you grieve. No will truly understand your pain with all the complexities that were part of your relationship and your life. However, you can allow others, especially those who have walked this road to take the journey with you. It’s one of the hardest roads you will ever take, why not lean on others. It’s important to have close confidants whom you can share your concerns, fears, heartache, healing, and even ask for prayer and support. It’s downright foolish not to use your support network.
• Relationships are hard, especially while grieving. Don’t start new romantic relationships while grieving. I had so many people warn me about this and all of my own training supports this idea. The same part of your heart that loves is the part that grieves. It’s simply impossible to to start a romantic relationship with someone while grieving. It’s often hard to just hold on to the existing relationships, spouses, significiant others let alone start a new relationship. However, loneliness often gets to people and they reach for companionship. The problem is, that no matter how much people want, they can’t understand the depths or your pain and yet engage in a healthy relationship and get what they need to move forward. There always ends up being resentment and hurt. I absolutely knew better and still walked down that road and have personally experienced this more than once. Healing has to happen first. Give yourself some grace here and save yourself some heartache. Depend on good friends, give yourself at least a year to heal, devote your time and energy into your own heart and strengthening your faith and your relationship with God. When it comes to loss of a child and spouse many, many people told me to give myself 7 years. First of all I never thought I could survive 7 years. Second, I never thought I needed 7 years. 6 1/2 years later, they were probably all completely correct. That’s a long time but when you lose the two most important people in your life and a part of your heart, maybe time doesn’t matter.
• Birthdays, holidays, and anniversaries are HARD. Six and a half years later and those are still some of the hardest days. The best advice I can give you here is to acknowledge the day and plan for it. My son’s birthday is approaching in November and I’m already trying to plan how I can spend the day. What will I do? Who will be there to support me? How can I do something fun, stay busy and yet acknowledge and celebrate my child? I’ve tried ignoring a day on more than one occasion and found myself in a tsunami of emotions. It just doesn’t work for me. Acknowledging your day and preparing for it doesn’t have to be a public announcement for everyone. It was for me in the beginning. Now it’s quiet, more peaceful and something that heals my soul; I may go diving and have chocolate (my Landon’s favorite food group).
• Don’t rush! Give yourself plenty of time to go through all of the stages of grief. There is no order, there is no timeline, there is only you and your heart. If you slow down, rely on your faith and strength, pray and meditate, read and learn, and just breathe then you will know how to deal with each of the stages. No matter what stage you are in the midst of, just be present. Whether you are in denial, sad, lonely, angry, mad, helpless, depressed, anxious, or even beginning to accept, just sit with it until you feel like you’ve thoroughly processed it and are ready to let it go.
• Last, and maybe most importantly, I will say just lean in. In the best way you know how just lean in on everything you are feeling and then find something good to do with it. There is a world full of hurting people. There are others who need your survival story. Don’t be afraid to share and be a blessing to someone else who is grieving. We are created to LOVE. There is nothing else more important than what we pour into others. There has been nothing more healing for my soul and than helping others. I believe that one day we will all stand in account for that love and I want to hear, “Well done my good and faithful servant”!

When I think about powerful women from history names like Rosa Parks, Valentina Tereshkova, Florence Nightingale, Queen Elizabeth I, Amelia Earhart, Virgin Mary, Jane Austen, Mother Teresa, Emmeline Pankhurst, Elanor Roosevelt, Sojourner Truth, and Malala Yousafzai are just a few of the amazing women who come to mind. It’s not only what they did, it’s that they had the strength to stand with grace and put integrity and serving others above social norms.

The bond between women is powerful and we often feel a sense of obligation to protect and fight for other women who we may not even know just because they are women. People often misquote biblical views of women. People take scripture out of context and think women should be subservient or meek. However, I know a different story. When you truly get to know a strong powerful woman, you realize that what makes them so beautiful is that they also empower a tremendous amount of heart, grace, dignity and integrity. Strong powerful women are full of emotion, conviction and love. They persevere through trials that would break most men only to shine like a star and light the path for others. Surprisingly, they do all of this sometimes wearing the shackles placed on them by men.

I gain tremendous strength from other women. I have learned tremendous love and persistence from watching my sisters Melissa, Chenea, Cheree and Chantel struggle through trials of their own. I learned to be a loving mom from watching my own mother, Linda. I have gained tremendous respect and learned how to grieve with dignity from one of my dearest friends, Christina. I have learned to laugh and cry with women by my side like Leslie, Regina, Debbie and Amber. I have learned grace from my step-daughters Lauren and Juliet. I have learned tremendous leadership from countless women in my church and in schools.

In my grief and loneliness, I have sometimes forgotten my own strength, power, love and grace. I have forgotten that I have a purpose and that I am a force of change. I have let others take advantage of me and treat me with less than the honor I deserved. I choose to stand again with strength, dignity, integrity and grace. I am an empowered woman becuase of the women I choose to stand with.

She is clothed with STRENGTH and DIGNITY. Proverbs 31:25

Last week I met a beautiful new friend named Brenda. I met her through her husband who I went diving with one day. Brenda doesn’t dive so we’ve spent some time out at the beach. Brenda is a genuine beautiful soul who has a heart for serving others. She began collecting sea glass and turning it into beautiful jewelry. After selling the jewelry she donates money to a local restaurant here in Cozumel who goes into the Cozumel jungle and feeds those struggling during the economic Covid crisis here on the island.  

I’ve spent several days these last couple of weeks hanging out at the beach with Brenda talking and helping her collect sea glass. Sea glass is simply a piece of glass that someone discarded in the ocean, probably once a soda or beer bottle thrown out as trash. As it tumbles about in the ocean, it gets tossed and turned by the waves, it gets smashed and broken against the rock, as it tumbles in the sand it’s surface sometimes becomes scratched and cloudy. However, in the end after all of this refining it becomes smooth and beautiful. 

While picking up sea glass I thought how amazing it is that something so beautiful is created out of someone else’s garbage. I began to think about how God does just that with us. He picks us up right where we are. Sometimes we’ve been discarded by others, sometimes our lives resemble garbage, sometimes we feel broken, and sometimes just empty vessels. He uses our life to refine us, to smooth our rough edges, and to make us into something beautiful. 

I’ve often struggled with feeling a little broken and lately my edges have been rough and sometimes sharp. I was reminded by the sea glass that if I will just let go, God can turn my brokenness into something beautiful.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalms 34:18

The Lord blessed the latter part of Job’s life more than the former part. Job 42:12