Lean In

The thing about grief is you can’t run from it. It will eventually catch you. A few days ago, I was asked how you get past it all. I used to search for how to move through it more quickly. The ugly truth is you can’t run from it, you can’t just get past it, you can’t move through it more quickly; you just have to take the journey one day at a time and sit with the grief.

Grief is the deep sorrow caused by a loved one’s death. Grieving is the process of learning to live with that deep pain and loss. The more you loved, the deeper the suffering. Throughout my healing these past 6 years I’ve learned some things. This insight, although mostly based on experience, has also come from my years of training as a psychologist and research from so many who are grieving.

• There is no wrong or right way to grieve as long as you aren’t hurting yourself or others. Make no mistake, your emotions will often get the better of you and you will make a lot of mistakes that sometimes hurt others. Just remember to keep communicating. I found myself apologizing a lot those first few years. Those who loved me were gracious and forgiving and always gave me space to grieve how I needed.
• It’s a lonely road, but you don’t have to travel it alone. It’s true that no one can help you grieve. No will truly understand your pain with all the complexities that were part of your relationship and your life. However, you can allow others, especially those who have walked this road to take the journey with you. It’s one of the hardest roads you will ever take, why not lean on others. It’s important to have close confidants whom you can share your concerns, fears, heartache, healing, and even ask for prayer and support. It’s downright foolish not to use your support network.
• Relationships are hard, especially while grieving. Don’t start new romantic relationships while grieving. I had so many people warn me about this and all of my own training supports this idea. The same part of your heart that loves is the part that grieves. It’s simply impossible to to start a romantic relationship with someone while grieving. It’s often hard to just hold on to the existing relationships, spouses, significiant others let alone start a new relationship. However, loneliness often gets to people and they reach for companionship. The problem is, that no matter how much people want, they can’t understand the depths or your pain and yet engage in a healthy relationship and get what they need to move forward. There always ends up being resentment and hurt. I absolutely knew better and still walked down that road and have personally experienced this more than once. Healing has to happen first. Give yourself some grace here and save yourself some heartache. Depend on good friends, give yourself at least a year to heal, devote your time and energy into your own heart and strengthening your faith and your relationship with God. When it comes to loss of a child and spouse many, many people told me to give myself 7 years. First of all I never thought I could survive 7 years. Second, I never thought I needed 7 years. 6 1/2 years later, they were probably all completely correct. That’s a long time but when you lose the two most important people in your life and a part of your heart, maybe time doesn’t matter.
• Birthdays, holidays, and anniversaries are HARD. Six and a half years later and those are still some of the hardest days. The best advice I can give you here is to acknowledge the day and plan for it. My son’s birthday is approaching in November and I’m already trying to plan how I can spend the day. What will I do? Who will be there to support me? How can I do something fun, stay busy and yet acknowledge and celebrate my child? I’ve tried ignoring a day on more than one occasion and found myself in a tsunami of emotions. It just doesn’t work for me. Acknowledging your day and preparing for it doesn’t have to be a public announcement for everyone. It was for me in the beginning. Now it’s quiet, more peaceful and something that heals my soul; I may go diving and have chocolate (my Landon’s favorite food group).
• Don’t rush! Give yourself plenty of time to go through all of the stages of grief. There is no order, there is no timeline, there is only you and your heart. If you slow down, rely on your faith and strength, pray and meditate, read and learn, and just breathe then you will know how to deal with each of the stages. No matter what stage you are in the midst of, just be present. Whether you are in denial, sad, lonely, angry, mad, helpless, depressed, anxious, or even beginning to accept, just sit with it until you feel like you’ve thoroughly processed it and are ready to let it go.
• Last, and maybe most importantly, I will say just lean in. In the best way you know how just lean in on everything you are feeling and then find something good to do with it. There is a world full of hurting people. There are others who need your survival story. Don’t be afraid to share and be a blessing to someone else who is grieving. We are created to LOVE. There is nothing else more important than what we pour into others. There has been nothing more healing for my soul and than helping others. I believe that one day we will all stand in account for that love and I want to hear, “Well done my good and faithful servant”!

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