Archives for September 2020

Today I shared this story with a new friend and thought it was appropriate for World Suicide Prevention Day.

I lost my husband of 20 years, Larry, and my only child, Landon who was 9 years old in a tragic accident on August 15, 2014. It literally devistated me in every way possible. We had what I thought was a perfect life. Rightly so my family and close friends arranged around the clock every night care with people staying with me. A different friend would come each night shortly after work and would stay every week night. My family would show up on weekends and spend each weekend. I was never alone. The love and support was amazing.

About 3 months after the accident, I made a decision to take my own life. I was plagued with the most unimaginable pain and grief. I couldn’t sleep, couldn’t think, couldn’t quit crying. I wanted nothing more than the hopelessness and pain to end. I had a plan, I told my family in October that it was time for me to start managing life on my own and that I wanted the around the clock care to stop at the end of October. My son’s 10th birthday was approaching and I couldn’t bear the thought of surviving his birthday without him. The doctors had prescribed plenty of medicine and with changing prescriptions I had quite the stockpile of narcotics that would do the job. I had picked a night a week before Landon’s birthday. I would simply go home from work on a Friday, take all of the meds and go to sleep never to wake again.

But that day God sent an angel. For whatever reason, I had to make a trip to central office that day. While walking past an office a dear friend, Stephanie Lirette, called me into her office. She told me that she had been meaning to reach out and when she saw me walk by it was the perfect time. She recalled the story of losing her son and how hard the journey had been. She told me I could walk this journey with God or without Him; it would be easier if I ran to him and walked beside my Heavenly Father. That day she reminded me that God created us as eternal beings. God created me to always be a mom. She went on to say that my son was just living in heaven with his Heavenly Father and I needed to live a life that would make him proud of his mom.

Wow, those words struck a cord deep within me. I wanted nothing more than to make my son proud. I adored him. He was the best gift I ever received and the best part of me. I knew I couldn’t take my own life and make him proud. That day I decided not only to survive but to live and thrive. I committed that day to live every moment to its fullest. I would live a life full of love and love friends and family with every bit of my sould. I would do everything possible to make sure my story helped just one.

I later shared this story with Stephanie. She had no idea and didn’t even remember the details of the conversation. She simply stepped out and followed God or her gut or whatever you want to call it and spoke to a friend. I will forever be grateful to Stephanie for she saved my life that day.

I later went and got a tattoo. It is a heart that says love and has a semicolon in the middle. The semicolon is the symbol of suicide prevention and hope. You see when you want to end a sentence you put a period. However, if the sentence just has to continue with something more to say you add a semicolon and continue with the message. My life didn’t end; my story goes on.

If you are in that place, there is HOPE. This life is not the end. Remember, the sun still rises tomorrow. We get a new day to start over and commit to do things differently. We get to spend eternity with those we love if we choose to have faith in God. If you find yourself feeling helpless and hopeless, just reach out to one individual and ask for help. If you know someone who could be struggling, don’t hesitate to ask questions, encourage, check and ensure safety.

As a counselor myself here are some questions to ask. Please let me assure you that asking someone about suicide is never wrong and will not put ideas into someones head. On the contrary, you too could save a life.

Questions:

1. Do you feel safe?
2. Do you sometimes wish you were deal?
3. Are you thinking of hurting or killing yourself?
4. Do you feel like life is hopeless?
5. Do you have a plan to take your life?
6. Could you use someone checking on you regularly?
7. Can you commit to me to stay safe and not harm yourself tonight?

If ever in doubt, seek help from professionals.

We have this HOPE as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. Hebrews 6:19

Over the last several years and more recently the last few months I’ve had to be extended quite a bit of grace. Grace is a strange thing. We often want a lot of it and yet don’t extend as much as we need in return. I recently needed quite a bit of grace and don’t know that I deserved it.

Webster’s dictionary defines grace as “the exercise of love, kindness, mercy favor; disposition to benefit or serve another; favor bestowed or privilege conferred. That just doesn’t seem to sum up grace though. The grace I know that has been shared in abundance is the kind bestowed by God. From my experience that kind of grace is often hard for us as humans to bestow. It comes when we absolutely do not deserve it and deserve punishment instead. It comes without payment. It’s not part of a debt. It’s truly free. It can also never be taken back. Once given we are forever covered in that grace.

Throughout grief and as a result of much pain, I’ve made some huge mistakes. Mistakes that didn’t deserve to be forgiven. Always out of hurt but not necessarily excusable. I’ve hurt friends, said things that were hurtful, not been as forgiving as I needed, not extended grace when I should and the list goes on. Before losing Larry and Landon I had never really experienced true loss of that depth nor had I experienced rejection of any kind. I have been granted every job I have ever applied for. I have never really been rejected. Life had been fairly easy as an adult. I had not needed a lot of personal grace from friends. BUT boy I have I needed grace since. In depths of pain, we often lash out to save face, to hide our hurt, to preserve our dignity and often at the expense of others that we truly love and care about.

The truth is we need grace most when we deserve it the least. I can think of so many times when I’ve been extended grace and absolutely didn’t deserve it. I can also remember those times when I didn’t extend it to someone I truly loved and cared for.

I challenge you to try and give the kind of grace you seek and aspire to give God’s kind of grace. Be kind, be forgiving, try to imagine walking just one hour in another’s shoes and extend real grace. Extend the kind of grace that communicates I care deeply about you, that shows mercy, that gives a second chance, that expresses that nothing is unforgivable, that shows I would lay down my life for you, and that says, “I love you no matter what”.

If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. If we say that we have not sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us. I John 1:8-10

 For when we were yet without strength; we were powerless to save ourselves. In due time. In God’s own chosen time. Christ died for the ungodly. Romans 5:6