Joy In The Waiting

Waiting has always been hard for me. I’m one of those “need to know” people. I’ve always needed to know how things would end. I’ve often read the last page first, read the spoiler before watching the movie and even unwrapped and rewrapped the gifts before Christmas morning. I don’t know what it is about knowing that drove me. The same is true with my life, I wanted to know the ending. The problem is I couldn’t ever really know. I could plan, but the best laid plans don’t often work out.

After Larry and Landon died, the waiting was hard. How would I live? Where would I live? Whom would I live with? Would I move away; would I stay? Would I marry again? Would I be alone? Would I ever again have children? Would I Where? When? What? Why? How? So many unanswered questions. Waiting on peace was perhaps the hardest. At times I even tried to rush the healing process. How could I move through the grief faster to get through the pain? How could I grieve now so not to grieve later? I felt the same way about waiting for love. Alone seemed overwhelming. In fact I even found myself in a few bad relationships that I knew were wrong because waiting alone for what was right was too hard. Well, that’s simply not how grieving, healing, or life works.

I decided to make some big life changes, I retired early, and again was plagued by the waiting. Where would I go, what would I do, where would I live? Not having answers I so desperately craved, I decided to take a little time and travel the world. I had the best laid plans. I had a year’s worth of back to back travel around the world booked. I would go to the Bahamas, Mexico, Honduras, Belize, Bonaire, Indonesia, the Phillipines and then back to the US. Then, a world pandemic hit and all of those plans were quickly cancelled. In late August, I headed to the one of the only places open for travel in the world, Cozumel, Mexico. I knew three things: 1. I needed to find myself, 2. I needed to embrace the waiting and 3. I needed to do all of this alone.

I quickly realized the truth in it all. Finding joy and embracing the waiting was really about being content and at peace with where God has me while I wait. This was true about all the wating in my life.

Cozumel, was the one thing I’ve done in my life that was all about me and all for me. Some even called it selfish. However, I found myself. I was there in a foreign country alone and knew no one. I had not ever embraced alone in my life. While in Cozumel, I ate dinner alone in a restaurant for the first time in my life. I had to get out, find my way and embrace the here and now. I had to come to terms with where God had me.

Down by the sea, day after day, listening to the rhythm of the ocean waves, smelling the salty sea, scuba diving, gazing at sunset, praying and meditating, I found myself. I discovered who I was and what I was about. I learned the true value of who I was as a strong powerful woman who has much to offer this world. I finally came to terms and made peace with the trials I had survived and where God had me in this life. The moment I did this, my heart opened to new possibilities.

There is an old hymn, “It Is Well With My Soul”. Not much in my life has been well with my soul since losing Larry and Landon. But that changed during my waiting time away. True healing came while waiting and I can now sing, “It Is Well With My Soul”

If peace eludes you, if you are struggling with the waiting, if you are struck in grief, if your heart is broken, if you are troubled by circumstances, it’s time to make peace. God brings us to difficult places. Sometimes it’s for our growth and sometimes it’s for His glory. However, you can’t find joy until you are at peace with where you are here and now. Joy is a CHOICE.

Those 7 1/2 months in Cozumel is where I found myself, discovered who I was outside of being a mom and wife, opened my heart, and all became well with my soul.

by