The Beautiful, Ugly Truth

I have written a lot about my healing over the past 8 years but the truth is that it’s not always pretty. I give God 100% credit for my healing. In fact I don’t know how those without faith survive losing loved ones, especially the loss of a child. Even with big faith, grief is ugly. Here is the ugly truth.

I have cried countless tears and still do. I have cursed God, yelled at God, told God he was a liar and that there was no way He really loved me. I have laid on the shower floor crying until the water turns cold only to then crawl to the bathroom floor and cry some more. I have been on my knees screaming at God with tears running down my face, snot pouring out of my nose, hyperventilating and barely able to breath just begging God for this nightmare to end and for none of it to be true. At least 100 times I have asked God to trade my life for someone else’s so that they could stay with their family. During these past eight years there have been times I have felt helpless, hopeless, unloved, alone and completely lost. I have met God in the darkest places of wanting to end my own life.

Yet through all of this, God was faithful. On those cold lonely nights laying on the bathroom floor, God wrapped his arms around me in a blanket of warmth I could tangibly feel and whispered that he was there to carry me. He sent angels to encourage me in those darkest moments. He has shown up to calm my anxiety when I couldn’t utter a prayer through the sobs. He continues to hold me, carry me, encourage me, and provide more than I could have ever hoped for. And when I finally found contentment with being alone, he blessed me.

The ugly truth is that time doesn’t heal all wounds, I only learned to cope better. Eight years later, grief can still hit me like an unexpected tsunami. It can wash over me when I see a boy and his mom, when I hear, “I love you”, during a TV commercial, driving down the road listening to music, watching a sunset, or even with a sweet scent. It threatens my joy, my happiness, and my peace. Love, though, intercedes. It fills the voids. It solidifies my HOPE and reminds me that this world, this life is just a twinkle in eternity.

God’s healing, love and peace has taken many forms. It comes in the form of friends and family, the angels he sends, His word, the calls of birds, the beauty of a sunset, the majesty of the mountains, the splendour of the sea, in the grace of others, and in the Crepe Myrtle that blooms purple and white. Grief is ugly, but the healing is beautiful; it’s the beautiful, ugly truth.

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