This has been such a rough year for the world. So many people have lost family and friends they love and cherish. Holidays are just unexplainably and unimaginably difficult for survivors of loss. People often think of the big holidays like Christmas as being the most difficult. The truth is that they are all difficult and depending on your traditions, rituals and experiences, something like Halloween can be equally as traumatic. For me, they are all big. However, I would say that the time between Halloween – New Years (which also includes my son’s birthday) are particularly difficult for me and they always will be.
What makes the holidays more difficult than any other day? Holidays are about love and family. Holidays at my house were centered around the children. These celebrations, once joyful, are now acute painful reminders of loss. As much as they would like, family and friends just can’t understand the depth of that pain. There is also the painful truth that no one wants to talk about our death, loss or those who have gone on to live in heaven. I loved and still do love Larry and Landon. I didn’t quit loving them just because they died. When it comes to my child, I want to talk about him as much as any other mother or father. However, in today’s society it’s just plain taboo. People say the craziest things when I mention my son. I’ve heard things like, “I didn’t want to mention Landon because I didn’t want to remind you or make you sad.” or “Let’s talk about something happy.” or “You have to find a way to move on and quit dwelling on it.” Surviving the holidays is difficult enough without being made to feel like you can’t talk about the one thing you really need and want to talk about.
So how do I survive the holiday season? This will be my eighth holiday season after losing my husband and son. Here are a few things that have helped me navigate through.
- Find time to honor your loved one. It will take someone really special to be able to do this with you. It’s often too much for many friends and family members. It’s not that people don’t care, it’s that they don’t know what to do and lack the coping skills to manage their own feelings about grief, much less support someone else. How you honor your child or loved one will be unique and special and likely anchored in the depths of sweet memories. If you have immediate family (spouse and other children) they may want to participate in a new tradition. Do what works for you. That first year after their death, I went to visit with my sister. On the way, I stopped at the store to pick up a bottle of wine and a bottle of Landon wine caught my eye. They are located in the DFW area and now every year, I celebrate at the Landon winery. It’s one of my new traditions. I always include my sisters and sometimes brother-in-laws and nieces and nephews come along. It’s unique and different, it’s just what we do.
- Skip the holidays if you need. Those big family gatherings that I have traditionally had, now cause me a great deal of pain and anxiety. It seems I have a constant lump in my throat all while fighting back the tears. I have had the freedom to skip the holidays so I often do. That first year I ran away to Panama City, Panama with friends. I still get together with family, it’s just often not on Christmas Day or Thanksgiving Day. I have skipped the gift giving for many years. Now with grandbabies, I find a way to celebrate and spend some time. It’s absolutely no longer about the gift giving, the music, the decorations, or the food. It’s simply about making sure those I love know how much I love them.
- Give yourself permission to actively grieve and fall apart. Because life does go on, it is easy to constantly push our grief down denying an emotional response. If you don’t allow yourself to feel, when you least expect it, it will come out of nowhere and overwhelm you like a tsunami. It’s been 8 years and at least once during every holiday I have a complete meltdown. It’s as if I can feel it building up day by day. It’s like a storm, you can see the dark clouds forming, you can feel energy in the air threatening to unravel, you can hear the thunder in the distance, you can smell the rain coming and yet you keep ignoring it all. The storm will come, you can’t deny it. Prepare yourself, allow yourself those moments to cry and remember.
- Allow others to help if it’s on your terms. These are tough days and for those people who are brave enough to reach out, accept the offer. As much as I don’t want to engage in huge extended family Thanksgiving and Christmas rituals, I don’t want to be alone either. My first Christmas after loss, some dear friends invited me to their condo on the beach in Panama City, Panama. I told them no gifts, no decorations, no Christmas tree. They happily obliged and it was a perfect getaway. Eight years later, I tiptoe around the edge of celebrating. More than anything, I try to stay busy. Busy helps! Whether you enjoy some holiday activities like looking at Christmas lights, holiday baking or if you prefer movies, hiking and sightseeing, just stay busy.
- Find time to just laugh and breathe. This sounds so simple, but it’s harder than it sounds. It’s hard to find people to laugh with during the holidays. It’s often all so serious, spiritual and formal. So I take it upon myself to plan FUN. I try to have an annual girls happy hour or girls night. We do nothing but laugh. Then I find time alone and just breathe. It’s important to make myself slow down, relax and find time to just pray and meditate.
- Remember Jesus – This is truly the most important thing you can do. Because of Jesus, I have eternal life and so do my loved ones. They have just gone on before me. Remembering this gives me peace and HOPE. If you don’t know this truth for yourself, reach out. Without Jesus, I could never travel this journey. He is my HOPE. He gives me peace!
For those of you who are family and friends of someone who has experienced great loss here are a few helpful hints.
- This is not about you. No matter what your loved one does or doesn’t do, it’s never about you. If they decide to skip the holidays, be gracious as it’s not about you.
- Offer social opportunities. Help them stay busy. Offer opportunities to get together that are different from the traditional holiday experience. For example, invite a loved one to a movie, go watch a sporting event, go out for dinner and drinks. However, if they decline, keep asking and remember, IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU.
- You can’t fix this. You can only offer love, support and understanding. Be patient, offer lots of GRACE, and pray for peace that passes all understanding.
My prayer is that we all find a HOPE and PEACE this holiday season as we remember and celebrate our loved ones.
“We have this HOPE as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure.” Hebrews 6:19
