Grief, how do I do this?

A sweet friend who recently lost his wife, sent me a message and simply asked, “How do I do this?” Oh how I wish I could wrap him in my arms and carry him a few years down the road. The reality is that on many days, I don’t know how to do it either. A precious woman used to call me and check on me and pray with me. She always asked God to help me get up tomorrow, breathe, get dressed, and put one foot in front of the other. And that is exactly how it’s done. One day at a time, one breath at a time, one step at a time. You just have to walk through it.

The thing about grief is you can’t run from it. It will eventually catch you. I used to search for how to move through it more quickly. The ugly truth is you can’t run from it, you can’t just get past it, you can’t move through it more quickly; you just have to take the journey one day at a time and sit with the grief.

Grief is the deep sorrow caused by a loved one’s death. Grieving is the process of learning to live with that deep pain, sorrow and loss. The more you loved, the deeper the suffering. Throughout my healing these past years I’ve learned this.

• It’s a lonely road, but you don’t have to travel it alone. It’s true that no one can help you grieve. No one will truly understand your pain with all the complexities that were part of your relationship and your life. However, you can allow others, especially those who have walked this road, to take the journey with you. It’s one of the hardest roads you will ever take, why not lean on others. It’s important to have close confidants whom you can share your concerns, fears, heartache, healing, and even ask for prayer and support. It’s downright foolish not to use your support network. So, if you are struggling alone right now just say yes. You won’t want to be around others, but this is when you need people the most. Say yes to the invitation for lunch, say yes to go to a movie, say yes to going to get coffee, say yes to an invitation to a grief group, say yes to the prayer, just say, “Yes.”.
• There is no wrong or right way to grieve as long as you aren’t hurting yourself or others. You need to do it your way. It may not make sense to others and that’s ok. Make no mistake, your emotions will often get the better of you and you will make a lot of mistakes that sometimes hurt others. Just remember to keep communicating. I found myself apologizing a lot those first few years. Those who loved me were gracious and forgiving and always gave me space to grieve how I needed to.
• Birthdays, holidays, and anniversaries are HARD. Seven and a half years later and those are still some of the hardest days. The best advice I can give you here is to acknowledge the day and plan for it. This August will mark 8 years and I’m already trying to plan how I can spend the day. What will I do? Who will be there to support me? How can I do something fun, stay busy and yet acknowledge and celebrate those I loved? I’ve tried ignoring a day on more than one occasion and found myself in a tsunami of emotions. It just doesn’t work for me. Acknowledging your day and preparing for it doesn’t have to be a public announcement for everyone. There were big public celebrations for me in the beginning. Now they are quiet, more peaceful and something that heals my soul; This year I may go diving and have chocolate (my Landon’s favorite food group).
• Don’t rush! Give yourself plenty of time to go through all of the stages of grief. There is no order, there is no timeline, there is only you and your heart. If you slow down, rely on your faith and strength, pray and meditate, read and learn, and just breathe then you will know how to deal with each of the stages. No matter what stage you are in the midst of, just be present. Whether you are in denial, sad, lonely, angry, mad, helpless, depressed, anxious, or even beginning to accept, just sit with it until you feel like you’ve thoroughly processed it and are ready to let it go.
• Last, and maybe most importantly, I will say just lean in. In the best way you know how, just lean in on everything you are feeling and then find something good to do with it. There is a world full of hurting people. There are others who need your survival story. Don’t be afraid to share and be a blessing to someone else who is grieving. We are created to LOVE. There is nothing else more important than what we pour into others. There has been nothing more healing for my soul than loving others and helping them grieve. I believe that one day we will all stand in account for that love and I want to hear, “Well done my good and faithful servant”!

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