I’ve been really struggling these last few weeks. Landon’s 19th birthday is this Saturday, November 18, 2023. Or should I say, what would have been his 19th birthday.
This time of year is always such a struggle for me. I dread it. However this year I realized that Landon has been gone from this life longer than he was here. It’s such a tough concept to comprehend. I’m not sure if I’m having a harder time wrapping my head around it or my heart around it. I don’t know if it’s the simple realization or something different. I feel it looming like a storm in the distance. I can feel the change in every part of my life like the barometric pressure that changes before the impending storm. I feel the pressure, I’m drowning in sadness, I can’t seem to completely catch my breath, I’m completely torn between staying busy and staying still. All I can do is just feel it. To some that won’t make sense, but it’s my truth.
It’s been 9 1/2 years, so time does NOT heal all wounds. The hole in my heart is as big as ever. I have just learned to cope with the hole that grief left. I’ve learned to try and fill it with good and busy. I try not to stare at the hole every day. I try not to bring attention to it. I try to stop and take deep breaths and focus on my blessings when the hole threatens to engulf me.
If you are struggling with loss or know someone who is, just extend grace. My best advice is just to take it one breath, one step, one day at a time and give yourself permission to just feel all of the emotions. Honor your loved ones, focus on what blessings you do have and forgive yourself and others when things just fall apart and don’t go as planned.
