It’s been a long year since I’ve written. This past August was 10 years since Larry and Landon left this world and stepped into eternity. Time is the strangest thing since they’ve passed; it’s all mixed up and doesn’t correlate with life in general. In one breath it feels like yesterday and I can still hear the phone call with clarity that forever changed my world; in the next breath it feels like it’s been a hundred years since I’vee been able to hug them, hold them and tell them how much I love and miss them.
This 10 year milestone was difficult. It means my sweet Landon had now been gone from this life longer than he lived it. That was hard to comprehend and accept. How could I have had a lifetime of joy and a lifetime of sorrow both in just 10 years? Such drastic opposing realities, from living to dying… moving from one to another in an instant and then crawling back and fighting through all of the darkness to see some light again. This life is full of unexpected challenges that break us to our core and challenge our beliefs yet strengthen our resilience and reshape us in new ways.
This August 2024, to mark this moment, I decided to scatter their ashes. I took them to one of our favorite vacation destinations, The Bahamas. Together with a dear friend and my new soul mate, we spoke truths about their lives, their impact and the loss. We left a part of them and a part of us there on that beach in the turquoise blue waters we so lovingly cherished as a family.
Now their ashes remain in the sea. Now until forever, as I descend beneath the water’s surface to dive and am termporarily suspended in that peaceful place, they will surround me in a new way. I will look for them in the magical life of those depths; I will feel them in the cool waters that wash over me; I will remember my time with them in those waters, and I will be thankful for the years I had.
This moment on that beach, marked a milestone. I’m not sure how to define it or what to call it. It was just time to make the choice for me to engage in that ritual and say goodbye and I love you in yet another way.
As I reflect on that week, it was just time. I made the choice to take the step and complete their burial. There were several times in my healing journey when I had to make those really tough choices – the choice to take the next breath, the choice to get out of bed, the choice to take the next step, the choice to heal, the choice to live my remaining life to the fullest and celebrate them instead of continually focusing on my loss. Those were not easy choices but for me necessary ones. It came down to the choice to LIVE or DIE.
In life, it’s all about the choice. What will you choose today? Choose…
Life
Joy
Happiness
Faith
Celebration
Thankfulness
Mindfulness
Nature
Peace, and above all
Love