I am so excited to annunce the pubication of my book Hope Abides: My Journey Through Grief. It’s the story of my survival and healing after the loss of my husband and son. I was originally contacted in early December by the publisher. We are in final revisions and editing. I don’t yet have a date for release but as soon as I do, I will post. I will also post a link for pre-orders as soon as the publisher is ready.

A sweet friend who recently lost his wife, sent me a message and simply asked, “How do I do this?” Oh how I wish I could wrap him in my arms and carry him a few years down the road. The reality is that on many days, I don’t know how to do it either. A precious woman used to call me and check on me and pray with me. She always asked God to help me get up tomorrow, breathe, get dressed, and put one foot in front of the other. And that is exactly how it’s done. One day at a time, one breath at a time, one step at a time. You just have to walk through it.

The thing about grief is you can’t run from it. It will eventually catch you. I used to search for how to move through it more quickly. The ugly truth is you can’t run from it, you can’t just get past it, you can’t move through it more quickly; you just have to take the journey one day at a time and sit with the grief.

Grief is the deep sorrow caused by a loved one’s death. Grieving is the process of learning to live with that deep pain, sorrow and loss. The more you loved, the deeper the suffering. Throughout my healing these past years I’ve learned this.

• It’s a lonely road, but you don’t have to travel it alone. It’s true that no one can help you grieve. No one will truly understand your pain with all the complexities that were part of your relationship and your life. However, you can allow others, especially those who have walked this road, to take the journey with you. It’s one of the hardest roads you will ever take, why not lean on others. It’s important to have close confidants whom you can share your concerns, fears, heartache, healing, and even ask for prayer and support. It’s downright foolish not to use your support network. So, if you are struggling alone right now just say yes. You won’t want to be around others, but this is when you need people the most. Say yes to the invitation for lunch, say yes to go to a movie, say yes to going to get coffee, say yes to an invitation to a grief group, say yes to the prayer, just say, “Yes.”.
• There is no wrong or right way to grieve as long as you aren’t hurting yourself or others. You need to do it your way. It may not make sense to others and that’s ok. Make no mistake, your emotions will often get the better of you and you will make a lot of mistakes that sometimes hurt others. Just remember to keep communicating. I found myself apologizing a lot those first few years. Those who loved me were gracious and forgiving and always gave me space to grieve how I needed to.
• Birthdays, holidays, and anniversaries are HARD. Seven and a half years later and those are still some of the hardest days. The best advice I can give you here is to acknowledge the day and plan for it. This August will mark 8 years and I’m already trying to plan how I can spend the day. What will I do? Who will be there to support me? How can I do something fun, stay busy and yet acknowledge and celebrate those I loved? I’ve tried ignoring a day on more than one occasion and found myself in a tsunami of emotions. It just doesn’t work for me. Acknowledging your day and preparing for it doesn’t have to be a public announcement for everyone. There were big public celebrations for me in the beginning. Now they are quiet, more peaceful and something that heals my soul; This year I may go diving and have chocolate (my Landon’s favorite food group).
• Don’t rush! Give yourself plenty of time to go through all of the stages of grief. There is no order, there is no timeline, there is only you and your heart. If you slow down, rely on your faith and strength, pray and meditate, read and learn, and just breathe then you will know how to deal with each of the stages. No matter what stage you are in the midst of, just be present. Whether you are in denial, sad, lonely, angry, mad, helpless, depressed, anxious, or even beginning to accept, just sit with it until you feel like you’ve thoroughly processed it and are ready to let it go.
• Last, and maybe most importantly, I will say just lean in. In the best way you know how, just lean in on everything you are feeling and then find something good to do with it. There is a world full of hurting people. There are others who need your survival story. Don’t be afraid to share and be a blessing to someone else who is grieving. We are created to LOVE. There is nothing else more important than what we pour into others. There has been nothing more healing for my soul than loving others and helping them grieve. I believe that one day we will all stand in account for that love and I want to hear, “Well done my good and faithful servant”!

This has been such a rough year for the world. So many people have lost family and friends they love and cherish. Holidays are just unexplainably and unimaginably difficult for survivors of loss. People often think of the big holidays like Christmas as being the most difficult. The truth is that they are all difficult and depending on your traditions, rituals and experiences, something like Halloween can be equally as traumatic. For me, they are all big. However, I would say that the time between Halloween – New Years (which also includes my son’s birthday) are particularly difficult for me and they always will be.

What makes the holidays more difficult than any other day? Holidays are about love and family. Holidays at my house were centered around the children. These celebrations, once joyful, are now acute painful reminders of loss. As much as they would like, family and friends just can’t understand the depth of that pain. There is also the painful truth that no one wants to talk about our death, loss or those who have gone on to live in heaven. I loved and still do love Larry and Landon. I didn’t quit loving them just because they died. When it comes to my child, I want to talk about him as much as any other mother or father. However, in today’s society it’s just plain taboo. People say the craziest things when I mention my son. I’ve heard things like, “I didn’t want to mention Landon because I didn’t want to remind you or make you sad.” or “Let’s talk about something happy.” or “You have to find a way to move on and quit dwelling on it.” Surviving the holidays is difficult enough without being made to feel like you can’t talk about the one thing you really need and want to talk about.

So how do I survive the holiday season? This will be my eighth holiday season after losing my husband and son. Here are a few things that have helped me navigate through.

1. Find time to honor your loved one. It will take someone really special to be able to do this with you. It’s often too much for many friends and family members. It’s not that people don’t care, it’s that they don’t know what to do and lack the coping skills to manage their own feelings about grief, much less support someone else. How you honor your child or loved one will be unique and special and likely anchored in the depths of sweet memories. If you have immediate family (spouse and other children) they may want to participate in a new tradition. Do what works for you. That first year after their death, I went to visit with my sister. On the way, I stopped at the store to pick up a bottle of wine and a bottle of Landon wine caught my eye. They are located in the DFW area and now every year, I celebrate at the Landon winery. It’s one of my new traditions. I always include my sisters and sometimes brother-in-laws and nieces and nephews come along. It’s unique and different, it’s just what we do.
   
2. Skip the holidays if you need. Those big family gatherings that I have traditionally had, now cause me a great deal of pain and anxiety. It seems I have a constant lump in my throat all while fighting back the tears. I have had the freedom to skip the holidays so I often do. That first year I ran away to Panama City, Panama with friends. I still get together with family, it’s just often not on Christmas Day or Thanksgiving Day. I have skipped the gift giving for many years. Now with grandbabies, I find a way to celebrate and spend some time. It’s absolutely no longer about the gift giving, the music, the decorations, or the food. It’s simply about making sure those I love know how much I love them.
   
3. Give yourself permission to actively grieve and fall apart. Because life does go on, it is easy to constantly push our grief down denying an emotional response. If you don’t allow yourself to feel, when you least expect it, it will come out of nowhere and overwhelm you like a tsunami. It’s been 8 years and at least once during every holiday I have a complete meltdown. It’s as if I can feel it building up day by day. It’s like a storm, you can see the dark clouds forming, you can feel energy in the air threatening to unravel, you can hear the thunder in the distance, you can smell the rain coming and yet you keep ignoring it all. The storm will come, you can’t deny it. Prepare yourself, allow yourself those moments to cry and remember.
   
4. Allow others to help if it’s on your terms. These are tough days and for those people who are brave enough to reach out, accept the offer. As much as I don’t want to engage in huge extended family Thanksgiving and Christmas rituals, I don’t want to be alone either. My first Christmas after loss, some dear friends invited me to their condo on the beach in Panama City, Panama. I told them no gifts, no decorations, no Christmas tree. They happily obliged and it was a perfect getaway. Eight years later, I tiptoe around the edge of celebrating. More than anything, I try to stay busy. Busy helps! Whether you enjoy some holiday activities like looking at Christmas lights, holiday baking or if you prefer movies, hiking and sightseeing, just stay busy.
   
5. Find time to just laugh and breathe. This sounds so simple, but it’s harder than it sounds. It’s hard to find people to laugh with during the holidays. It’s often all so serious, spiritual and formal. So I take it upon myself to plan FUN. I try to have an annual girls happy hour or girls night. We do nothing but laugh. Then I find time alone and just breathe. It’s important to make myself slow down, relax and find time to just pray and meditate.
   
6. Remember Jesus – This is truly the most important thing you can do. Because of Jesus, I have eternal life and so do my loved ones. They have just gone on before me. Remembering this gives me peace and HOPE. If you don’t know this truth for yourself, reach out. Without Jesus, I could never travel this journey. He is my HOPE. He gives me peace!

For those of you who are family and friends of someone who has experienced great loss here are a few helpful hints.

1. This is not about you. No matter what your loved one does or doesn’t do, it’s never about you. If they decide to skip the holidays, be gracious as it’s not about you.
   
2. Offer social opportunities. Help them stay busy. Offer opportunities to get together that are different from the traditional holiday experience. For example, invite a loved one to a movie, go watch a sporting event, go out for dinner and drinks. However, if they decline, keep asking and remember, IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU.
   
3. You can’t fix this. You can only offer love, support and understanding. Be patient, offer lots of GRACE, and pray for peace that passes all understanding.

My prayer is that we all find a HOPE and PEACE this holiday season as we remember and celebrate our loved ones.

“We have this HOPE as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure.” Hebrews 6:19