Just this week a grieving mother who recently lost her 5 year old son to cancer asked me how to survive Mother’s Day. I wept as I read her text and tried to respond thinking and grieving for my own child. Mother’s Day and Father’s Day are some of the most difficult and bittersweet holidays for those of us who have lost our children. Bittersweet because there is no greater joy than the blessing of parenthood and no greater sorrow than losing that child.

Society has a word for a child who has lost a parent, orphan. There is a word for a man or woman who has lost a spouse, widow. There is even a word for a spouse who has left another, divorcee. There is no known word, in any language, for the parent who is left after a child has died. Is it because it is so unnatural or is it because no word is adequate?

As I typed a response to my friend, I reflected on my own loss and how I try to continue to survive. There were a few things I shared that came to mind…

God knows our pain. Yes, God lost his only son. He watched from Heaven as he was tortured and crucified. He did this all so I can have eternity with Him. There is comfort in knowing that my Creator and Heavenly Father understands and at the same time because of this great sacrifice, this is not the end. One day we will be reunited with our children and all our tears wiped away.

Our grief is so overwhelmingly intense, because our love is so big. I used to tell my son, “I love you to the moon and back a zillion infinities”. I’m not sure how big that really is but my love (yes present tense love) is even bigger than that. We don’t stop loving just because they aren’t in our arms or within eyesight. We keep loving, we keep missing, therefore we keep grieving. Grief of a child is forever, it just gets a little easier to breath with time.

God cherishes the parent child relationship. Joseph and Mary were chosen and honored. The bible talks about both of Jesus’ parents with such admiration. I know that we are created as eternal beings and once a mom, always a mom for all eternity. I certainly have no idea what heaven looks like, but I imagine that one day in heaven I get to be a “mom” to my son again. I can’t wait for that day.

Mother’s Day & Father’s Day is just a hard day. Whether you have other children, like my friend or lost your only child, like me, it will be difficult. I try to stay busy this day. For me, I need things to be different than they used to be. I consume myself with activities and find some small way to honor my child. It’s usually private, sometimes by design but often because others are off celebrating their own mothers and children. There is no right or wrong answer, it’s just what feels right to you. No matter the circumstances, it’s important to have a plan to take care of yourself on this day. With time the storm of grief will be a little less intense on this day.

Finally, if you know a grieving mother or father, reach out. Ask questions. The most comforting thing someone can do for me is to ask me about my child, ask me about a favorite memory, or acknowledge or remember my son in some way. Mother’s Day and Father’s Day are days of love and respect. I can think of no parent who deserves this more than those who have had to release their children into our Father’s arms.

Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.” Matthew 19:14

I’m reminded today of how hard it is to have faith and trust in God’s plan during trials. Just this past week, one of my best friends lost his dad, my mom lost one of her brothers and a dear friend is saying goodbye to a son. I find myself thinking that life sure does suck sometimes. How is it we are supposed to trust God’s plan during such difficult trials? How do we keep the faith?

I remember after losing Larry and Landon that I would lay in bed every single night and ask God why. I would cry out asking, “How am I supposed to go on? What am I supposed to do now? What purpose does my life have?” I had previously suffered pain and loss through the loss of a grandparent and an unborn child, however nothing tested my faith like losing my husband of 20 years and my 9 yer old son.

I remember searching for stories of survival, HOPE, and how to grieve and heal. I wanted to hear from others who had traveled the journey I was taking. The truth is no one has traveled your road; it’s unique to you. So how do we trust in God’s plan and have enough faith to take the next step?

First, take it one day at a time. Never stop. Once I made up my mind that I was going to survive, I never quit taking steps to heal. I’ve mentioned it several times, but a dear friend reminded me one day, “God created you, Larry and Landon as eternal beings. Remember that you are always a mom and you have to live a life that your son will be proud of.” Man, that has stuck with me.

Second, rely on others. This I often failed at. The pain was so overwhelming and I felt so completely alone that I often shut others out. I knew they just didn’t understand, understandably so. In fact I went almost 5 months refusing to even let anyone touch me. I shut people out and I hid my pain. Truly shutting others out simply made me feel more alone as I walked that path. It’s true that others may not be able to empathize, but they can sympathize. God uses people to bless us, minister to us, speak to us, hold us, carry us , love us and to walk with us. If I could change how I traveled my journey, I would do this part differently. I would open my heart and let others love on me a little more and simply walk beside me.

Third, keep things in perspective. This was and sometimes is still so hard for me. Larry and Landon were my whole life. At first, I found it hard to have a perspective that wasn’t completly negative. I had lost EVERYTHING. I felt lost, unloved, alone and simply couldn’t see past my pain. As I began to heal, God constantly reminded me that I needed to look towards Him and keep a Heavenly perspective. With a Heavenly perspective, I can now rely on HOPE and God’s promise of eternity. I know (although my heart often needs reminding) that this life is just a microsecond in of all eternity. One day, God will wipe away all our tears to never know heartache and sorrow again.

Finally, stay strong in faith. By this I mean just call on the name of Jesus. When nothing else feels right or when nothing but cries can be spoken, cry out his name. Don’t get me wrong, many days my shattered heart simply couldn’t fathom that I would ever be ok. As broken as my heart felt, I knew God could and would heal. I simply stayed the course and continued to read, pray and trust that God would heal even when my sinner’s heart couldn’t feel it. I know this is easier said than done. Just remember, God is strong enough, His shoulders are big enough and His arms are wide enough to hold all of our pain, our doubt, our brokenness, and our shattered dreams and still carry us through.