We Have This Hope

Hebrews 6:19

Baggage

by

In the last month I’ve had two distinct converstions about “baggage”. In both instances I recalled a particular negative incident. It was just about 7 months after the plane accident in which Larry and Landon had died and I had just recently started dating. The man I was seeing made a comment to me that he wasn’t sure I was ready to move on because I had so much baggage. I was shocked, but needless to say, that relationship ended. I kept recalling that conversation and went back and forth between mad and hurt. How dare him call my circumstances, my life, my history “baggage”.

The reality is that when we hear the term baggage we often conjure up images of garbage. Why is that? I knew the man I was dating was certainly making a negative comment. Why don’t we conjure up images of designer handbags and expensive designer luggage? It’s becuase society uses the term “baggage” negatively. The urban dictionary defines baggage as “the crap people go into relationships with. ie, kids, addictions, diseases”. There are so many things wrong with this statement, but it’s exactly how society uses the word.

The truth is that those of us with “baggage” really have to reframe how we look at our “stuff”. It’s the relationships, experiences, kids, step-kids, grandbabies, hurt, laughter, loves etc… that really help shape us into the beautiful individuals we are today. It’s not to say that we don’t all have some garbage that needs to be tossed out, but our past will always help shape our future. This is especially true with grief. We don’t stop loving and sharing those experiences just because our loved one isn’t here. I challenge use to reframe your thinking about both your own baggage and other peoples baggage.

I choose to embrace my priceless designer baggage. It was hand crafted especially for me. It’s full of beautiful memories, laughter, heartache, tears, adventures around the world, unimaginable experiences, children, two beautiful step-daughters, 3 beautiful grandchildren, and lots of love wrapped up in countless relationships. I hope to keep filling my bags and one day share everything in them with someone else who has bags full of life, love and expereinces.

Thank you Leslie for reminding me that I don’t carry garbage but instead coveted designer luggage.

Walls: Are they protection or do they just build barriers?

by

I’ve built some pretty strong walls over these last several years. I built them methodically placing each stone with care. I built these walls to protect. My heart had been broken in a million pieces and I wanted to protect it from further damage. I felt like there was no one to stand guard, there was no soldier to fight, so I built walls of protection. Building walls not only felt necessary at the time but seemed smart and proactive.

So what’s the problem with the emotional fortresses we build? Although they were built to protect, they also keep us from being able to truly connect to others. On a recent vacation, a friend pointed out that my inability to let others help me, or cross over that wall, came off as pushing away. Wow! That one got me.

I was doing the very opposite of what I wanted. At that moment I recalled a memory of being in the funeral home and being presented with Larry and Landon’s ashes. I was in a room with others and yet the most alone in my whole life. I vowed at that moment to never really cry or be that vulnerable in front of others again.

I started the meticulous building of my wall that day. I began to treat people like they’re temporary because I couldn’t imagine falling in love and finding a relationship worth fighting for. I quit allowing others to help because allowing others to help meant dependance. I quite sharing my true feelings because sharing meant vulnerability and hurt. I stopped giving others chances to get close as I built my walls stone by stone. The reality is that until I allow others to see my vulnerabilities, to help, see the real me, I won’t get the true connectedness I truly desire. I have to start taking down that wall one stone at a time.

Do you desire a connectedness to others but have a wall that others can’t climb or get through? Do you have such expectations about a future that you won’t allow others to walk with you? Are you building barriers that loved ones can’t break down?

How do you take down that wall? Stone by stone. Allow others to get close, be yourself, be vulnerable, share your hopes and fears, and allow others to help. I have no doubt this is going to be quite the challenge but if we are patient, rely on God’s guidance, and give ourselves and others a little GRACE then the wall will come tumbling down.

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.  Isaiah 41:10

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Deuteronomy 31:6

Healing: You Have To Want It

by

Just this past week I had two physicians, both who have known me for over 25 years, comment on my healing. I was so humbled as they both noted that I exuded peace and happiness. One also commented that I had a presence of light and HOPE. The other also mentioned that there was an aura of positive spirituality. While I was overwhelmed with emotion and of hearing this, two truths come to mind.
1. It’s the Holy Spirit, not me. Through the Holy Spirit, my Heavenly Father has healed my broken heart. There is absolutely no way I can ever imagine surving with out my faith.
2. You have to want it. It took a lot of intentional, instrospection, and work to pull myself from the depths of the darkest most painful places I was living.

If I can climb out of the those places, with the guidance of my Heavenly Father, so can you. How?

  • Pray, pray, pray. There were many days when I couldn’t utter words, however, God knew my heart. If you can’t find the words, simply call on the name of Jesus. God knows your heart and if you believe in Him, He will wrap you in a peace and comfort that passes all undertanding.
  • Learn from others. I read so many stories of others who had been on difficult journeys of grief and learned from them. The Bible is full of such stories including the journey of Job, Joseph, David, Moses, and Jeremiah. There are lessons to be learned here.
  • Get out. You have to get up and get out every day. Unfortunately you can’t depend on others to do this. Just commit and do it. For me it was a 1-2 mile walk daily or dinner with friends. There is something healing about nature and friends.
  • Breathe deep and do it all again one minute, hour, day at a time.

It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Galations 5:1

HOPE for the holidays after the loss of a child

by

Holidays are just unexplainably and unimaginably difficult for survivors of child loss. People often think of the big holidays like Christmas as being the most difficult. The truth is that they are all difficult and depending on your traditions, rituals and experiences, something like Halloween can be equally as traumatic. For me, they are all big. However, I would say that the time between Halloween – New Years (which also includes my son’s birthday) are particularly difficult for me. The hard truth is that they will always be difficult.

What makes the holidays more difficult than any other day? Holidays are about family and children. These celebrations are acute painful reminders of loss. As much as they would like, family and friends just can’t understand the depth of that pain. There is also the painful truth that noone wants to talk about our children who have gone on to live in heaven. I love my child and want to talk about him as much as any other mother. However, in today’s society it’s just plain taboo. People say the craziest things when I mention my son. I’ve heard things like, “I didn’t want to mention Landon because I didn’t want to remind you or make you sad.” or “Let’s talk about something happy.” “You have to find a way to move on.” Surviving the holidays is difficult enough without being made to feel like you can’t talk about the one thing you really need and want to talk about.

So how do we survive the holiday season? This will be my fifth holiday season after losing my husband and son. Here are a few things that have helped me navigate through.

  1. Find time to honor your loved one. It will take someone really special to be able to do this with you. It’s often too much for many friends and family members. It’s not that people don’t care, it’s that they don’t know what to do and lack the coping skills to manage their own feelings about grief much less support someone else. How you honor your child or loved one will be unique and special and likely anchored in the depths of sweet memories. If you have immediate family (spouse and other children) they may want to participate in a new tradition. Do what works for you.
  2. Skip the holidays if you need. I am single and have no living children so I can and need to do this. Those big family gatherings that I have always been tradition now cause me a great deal of pain and anxiety. It seems I have a constant lump in my throat all while fighting back the tears. I have the freedom to skip the holidays so I do. This year I will be skipping the holidays and diving.
  3. Give yourself permission to actively grieve and fall apart. Because life does go on, it is easy to constantly pushing our grief down denying an emotional response. If you don’t allow yourself to feel, when you least expect it, it will come out of nowhere and overwhelm you like a tsunami.
  4. Allow others to help if it’s on your terms. These are tough days and for those people who are brave enough to reach out, accept the offer. As much as I don’t want to engage in huge extended family Thanksgiving and Christmas rituals, I don’t want to be alone either. My first Christmas after loss some dear friends invited me to their condo on the beach in Panama City, Panama. I told them no gifts, no decorations, no Christmas tree. They happily obliged and it was a perfect getaway.
  5. Find time to just laugh and breath. This sounds so simple but its harder than it sounds. It’s hard to find people to laugh with during the holidays. It’s often all so serious, spiritual and formal. So I take it upon myself to plan FUN. I try to have an annual girls happy hour or girls night. We do nothing but laugh. Then I find time alone and just breathe. It’s important to make myself slow down, relax and for me pray and meditate.
  6. Remember Jesus – This is truly the most important thing you can do. Because of Jesus, I have eternal life and so do my loved ones. They have just gone on before me. Remembering this gives me peace and HOPE. If you don’t know this truth for yourself, reach out. Without Jesus, I could never travel this journey. He is my HOPE. He gives me peace!

For those of you who are family and friends of someone who has experienced great loss here are a few helpful hints.

  1. This is not about you. No matter what your loved one does or doesn’t do, it’s never about you. If they decide to skip the holidays, be gracious as it’s not about you.
  2. Offer social opportunities. Offer opportunities to get together that are different than the traditional holiday experience. For example, invite a loved one to a movie, go watch a sporting event, go out for dinner and drinks. However, if they decline, keep asking and remember, IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU.
  3. You can’t fix this. You can only offer love, support and understanding. Be patient, offer lots of Grace, and pray.

My prayer is that we all find a HOPE and PEACE this holiday season as we remember and celebrate our loved ones.

Sharing

Follow Us