We Have This Hope

Hebrews 6:19

Birthday Boy

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My birthday boy would be turning 15 today. I can’t even imagine. He left this earth when he was just 9 years old. The best day of my life was the day he entered this world. The worst was the day he left it.

As a parent have you ever tried to explain how amazing the blessing of a child is to a person who does not have children. There are no words to describe how it changes you, and no words to describe the love, or way to explain how your heart lives outside of your body. The same is true about explaining child loss to someone who has never lost a child. There are no words to describe how it changes you, no words to describe the pain, and no way to explain how a part of your heart died and has left a hole that just cant be filled.

It changes you. You question everything you ever believed. For the first time in your life you know the true meaning of life and yet at times you feel like your life has ended. The pain is not just emotional, it physically tears at your insides until you collapse in exhaustion. The hole that is left is gaping and because of it you often feel hollow.

BUT…..

It doesn’t end there. My Heavenly Father heals. He holds me in his arms like I held my own child. He walks with me through the valley of the shadow of death. He wraps his comfort around me like a warm blanket on cold stormy nights. There is HOPE because His Son, Jesus, who died for both you and me. Because of HOPE, I will be reunited with my son in heaven.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. Psalms 23:4

We have this HOPE as an anchor for the soul firm and secure. Hebrews 6:19

Blessed are those who mourn, for the will be comforted. Matthew 5:4

It’s about the JOURNEY, not the destination.

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A friend of mine recently lost her husband. She asked me how I got through it and how to survive. She asked something that I often thought, “This is painful, how do I get through grief more quickly so I’m not in such awful pain?” I had this thought so often. The pain of losing my husband and son was so intense I couldn’t breathe. Grief does crazy things to us. I had intense pain all over my body so badly I didn’t want to be touched, I had anxiety attacks one after the other, I couldn’t sleep for more than an hour at a time and then I slept all the time, I started grinding my teeth so badly my ears got infected and swelled shut, the skin all over my body peeled off, I quit talking, I hyperventilated often, I cried uncontrollably, I wanted to die. I so badly wanted to move through grief and get to the other side. Unfortunately, grief takes time and I’m not sure there is another side. Because we loved deeply, we will forever grieve. However we do heal. Healing is a long journey. What I did learn are ways to facilitate the healing.

Believe – First and foremost, you have to believe that you are a child of God’s and that he understands and loves all of your dysfunctional mess. You also have to believe in the healing and in HOPE. I knew without a doubt I was a child of the king. I knew my eternity was sealed. What I didn’t know is if I could really be healed. I assumed I would always be as miserable and heartbroken as long as I lived on this earth. However, shortly after losing my loved ones I received a book from a friend, Dori Phillips, she lost her husband and several of her children in a traffic accident. She wrote a book talking about believing in healing. She shared her journey and I began to believe that I too could be healed. When I began to believe in healing I began to feel the weight of grief being lifted.

Belongings – About three months after the accident, I was driving through downtown Houston on my way to a football game. On my route, there were numerous homeless individuals living on the streets. Many were shivering and cold. I remember thinking about the closet full of both Larry and Landon’s clothes. I thought to myself that if something happened to me, I would want someone who needed my things to have them. It was at that moment, I knew I had to sort through their personal belongings. This was a lot easier said than done. It was gut wrenching, painful work. I wept over each garment, toy, and personal item. I sniffed anything I could find desperately searching for just a scent of them. Back and forth, I changed my mind thousands of times about what I would donate and what I would keep. However, in the end, that task was incredibly healing. It’s something that is necessary and helps move you to and through a place you are reluctant to go. However and whenever, you decide to go through belongings, get support. There were many times I had to stop, walk away, shut the door, fall apart, and get support before I could re-engage in the process. While going through belongings, I found the things that mattered most, and found ways beautiful to create lifelong heirlooms out of those belongings. It’s a tough but necessary part of the journey. As harsh as it sounds, it helps us to internalize the finality.

Beginnings – It’s absolutely necessary to start new traditions, to begin to do things differently and to figure out who you are outside of your loved one. About 3 months after the accident, I was bombarded with my sons birthday, a week later – Thanksgiving, and three weeks after that – Christmas. I knew these milestones would be tough but what I didn’t expect was the tsunami of feelings that would accompany the loss of traditions. Assuming I could still engage in some of those traditions was probably nieve. I thought it would bring me some sort of comfort, but instead intensified the pain. After 5 years, I’m beginning to find ways to navigate though special days and holidays. I still celebrate Landon’s birthday. Its generally enjoying doing something that I knew he would have loved, like chocolate fondue. Thanksgiving is now an annual trip somewhere beautiful. Christmas, well to be honest, I still haven’t figured this one out. I haven’t opened the Christmas decorations since they have been gone. One year I ran away to Panama City, Panama, I have celebrated with sisters a few times, but mostly still trying to find what’s comfortable for me. This year I may begin a new tradition of scuba diving on Christmas. I don’t think it matters what you do or who you do it with as long as you find a way to find joy and celebrate memories.

Breathe – Finally, it’s important to stop often, breathe, and reflect on the journey. Taking time to read over old journals reminds me of how amazingly far I have come. It’s sometimes so hard to see the progress, especially when I’m weighted down in the sorrow of missing them. It’s so important to find time alone occasionally to do this. My new favorite way to do this is scuba diving. It’s perfectly peaceful and a beautiful connection to God where I can do nothing but breathe, praise, and pray. Find your place to just stop and breathe. It doesn’t have to be far away or for long periods of time. Before diving, it was in my closet or in the shower. Just find a place alone to breathe.

 This is what the Sovereign Lord says: Look! I am going to put breath into you and make you live again! – Ezekiel 37:5

Be still, (just breathe) and know that I am God. – Psalms 46:10

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. – Jeremiah 29:11

We have this HOPE that is an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. – Hebrews 6:19

Just beat me to the final level

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I awoke this morning crying and dreaming of Landon.  This is something I rarely do.  I think its God’s way of allowing rest and protecting me from heartache.  These past several weeks I’ve dreaded the arrival of Mother’s Day as it is an acute reminder of my loss.  As parents who have lost children, Mother’s/Father’s Day are two holidays we feel coming like an impending hurricane.  We know it’s there swirling over the water, gaining strength, threatening to come tear us apart and destroy.

Early this Mother’s Day morning God allowed me to me to see Landon in one of those dreams.  In this short dream, the roles were reversed and I had died instead of my child.  I saw him at home in his room putting together a memory book/journal.  In this journal he had pictures and had written down stories/memories.  On the last page it said,  “To be continued… Mom beat me to the final level”.  Landon knew God, his love and all about eternity.  In his youthful mind he wold have related this life to a video game and the final level is Heaven.  His mom just made it there before him.  He too would get there one day and we would continue our time together.

OUT OF THE MOUTH OF BABES…  I often have to remind myself, this is not the end.  This is just one blip in all eternity, just a short stop before reaching the final level.  Landon has just made it to the final level before me.

I’ve read a lot about Heaven since losing them. I’ve wondered what its like.  What will our relationships be like? Who will we live with?  What will love look like?  None of that really matters.  What I do know, based on reading a lot of God’s word, is that none of us can imagine the love, peace and beauty rejoicing with our Heavenly Father.

I also know God talks often in His Word about children.  He loves them, watches over them and protects them.  They are precious in his sight. Throughout the Bible God mentions children, their faith, their hearts, their ability to love, their innocence.  I know that part of what makes Heaven perfect is that it will be filled with children.

My son is one of those eternal children. I imagine right now there is a beautiful Christian mom, who has already made it to the final level, there to help him and guide him.  One day, all of us faithful moms left here on earth have the opportunity to be Forever Heavenly Moms.  “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believe in his shall not perish but have eternal life”.  John 3:16

Remember, God created us as eternal beings to live in eternity with him.  I’m an eternal mom, I have an eternal child. We just have to wait a while, as out little ones have just beaten us to the final level.

“And He took the children in His arms, placed His hands on them and blessed them.” Mark 10:16

“For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb.  I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.  My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place, when I was woven tougher in the depths of the earth.  Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.” Psalm 139: 13-16

“God bless the Mother who has lost a child…Heal her hurting aching heart, and just hold her for a while… God give the Mother peace whose Child you’ve called away… And give her the joy in knowing… They will reunite someday…. ”    Anonymous, Shared by my friend Lisa this Mother’s Day morning.

Old traditions….. New traditions…..

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Old traditions are hard to let go of, yet they are acute reminders of loss.  One tradition Larry, Landon and I shared was buying Christmas ornaments.  We traveled frequently and on every vacation we bought an ornament as a reminder of our special vacation together.  Now that I have lost Larry and Landon, those ornaments are even more priceless. I also bought Landon a special ornament each December to commemorate that year of his life. One year he was all about Speed Racer.  He was Speed Racer for Halloween, we watched the movie almost every day, he wanted to be Speed Racer when he grew up. That year he has a special Speed Racer Mach 5 ornament.  I planned to give him all of his ornaments one day when he started his own family.  Collecting ornaments is a tradition I have had to let go of.  Maybe forever, maybe just temporarily.  I still travel, but it just doesn’t seem right to buy an ornament.  I cannot bring myself to decorate a tree, or my house, or unwrap the ornaments.  These ornaments spark memories of times we shared on vacation.  I suspect that one day I will open the boxes of all those precious ornaments and memories and cry all over again, but for now I have new traditions.

It wasn’t long after they died and I was picking up a bottle of wine to hang out with one of my sisters and I ran across a bottle of Landon wine.  The owner is a man named Robert Landon who lives in Dallas where there are three tasting rooms. Every Christmas since, my mom, sister and I pick a day and go drink Landon wine in memory of my Landon.  It’s a new three year old holiday tradition that I look forward to each year.

Larry traveled a lot with work.  He was often gone for weeks at a time.  The man loved Coca Cola.  It was his vice, some might say.  When he was away on a work trip, Landon and I would drink a Coke together knowing Daddy (Larry) was having a Coke too.  Today, Larry’s girls and I still share a Coke and a memory in honor of Larry.   We each have Coke bottles from Larry’s collection and now have new Coke bottles with their names on them.  It is our special new tradition and way to honor their memory.

Life is different without your loved ones.  It’s not only ok but sometimes necessary to give up some old traditions and start new ones.  You will know which ones when the time is right.  There are no rules and you can pick up those old traditions any time you want.  The bottom line is that this is part of the healing.  Some traditions are just too painful to engage in at this time of your journey.  It doesn’t mean you will never enjoy that tradition gain.  In the mean time, its important to give yourself some grace and begin some new traditions.  It doesn’t matter how big or small.  It doesn’t matter if you share this tradition with other or keep it private.  It’s just important the you keep living and healing

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:18

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you HOPE and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.  Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.  Deuteronomy 31:8

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